Who Do Voodoo?

I am seriously tempted to acquire some holy water and smudge sticks in an attempt to exorcise the demons or curse or whatever the hell is infesting our office.

For the 5 1/2 years that I have worked in the office, there has been a pattern of people going crazy. It always follows the same scenario....I've never seen anything like it.

Let's say we have a crazy employee...someone who has suddenly gone off the deep end. They've developed attitude, they're making a lot of mistakes...causing problems...etc. So, we fire said employee. Almost immediately after the termination, a formally normal employee takes the plunge into madness, assuming all of the above issues themselves. We eventually fire the next person only to have yet another one step up to be fitted for the straight jacket.

I'll tell you what it is. It's like one of those evil spirits like in that Denzel Washington movie...I can't think of the name of it. You know, the kind that passes from person to person through physical contact. We're scared to fire anyone else because there's no telling who will become infected next.

Anyone know a good exorcist?

A New Day

I woke up this morning the most wonderful sound...air passing in and out of my nose, obstruction free! That's right people...somehow, miraculously I awoke to find that my congestion was completely gone...taking most of my sore throat with it. I have never been so grateful in my life.

Root canal went okay, though I'm still numb from the novacaine so ask me again in a couple of hours and the answer might be different. On the upside, I did get to spend a couple of 'up close and personal' hours with the handsome doctor. It's very odd to be laying down while a hot guy leans over you, just inches from your face, moving his hands all along your face and your mouth. Very odd indeed. The funniest part of the visit was when he told his assistant that I needed more cotton...he laughed and said, "She's wet!" The minute it came out of his mouth, his assistant burst out laughing and I raised an eyebrow and giggled as much as a girl can when half her face is numb and there are cotton balls in her mouth. He turned so red and said, "I just meant that her saliva glands work very well." Mmmhmmm. Whatever Dr. Hottie.

The Holiday From Hell

I'm not trying to be a downer...I promise. It's just that I've been miserable this week and I need somewhere to vent...thus my blog is having to take the brunt of the crap. I promise to find lighter topics this week...

That being said...my holiday totally sucked. Due to my abscess tooth, the right side of my face and neck were swollen and the pain in my jaw was insane after I ate and at random points in the evening. I was prescribed major anti-biotics and Lortab until my root canal can be performed tomorrow. Friday evening I became more congested than I've ever been in life and no decongestant was helping. I couldn't breathe, taste, smell, sleep...and to top it off my throat was so inflamed that I could barely swallow. It got worse on Christmas Eve and my mother and boss were concerned that the infection in my jaw had somehow spread upwards...which of course freaked me out. So I high tailed it to the Emergency Room.

The only good thing in that visit was that they put me in a pediatric room that was covered in pretty murals, fun ceiling tiles that had shapes carved into them and cartoons on the television. I sat there for 3 hours waiting for him to finally come in and say, "Well, you're congested and your throat is inflamed." I raised an eyebrow and said, "Really? You think?" Like I'd been walking around talking like a man and breathing through my mouth for the fun of it. Fucker. Final diagnosis: Upper respiratory infection and viral pharingitis...on top of abscess.

I spent most of Christmas morning on my mom's couch. When I got home, my Law and Order marathon was interrupted by the crazy lady downstairs and her son. He's always screaming at her and being verbally abusive...he yells so loudly that I can hear everything he says clearly throughout my living room. This time was worse. This time she was crying and he was shouting, "Do you want your F*****G teeth?! Do you want your F*****G LIFE?!!!" Then it sounded like he hit her. I don't usually get involved in their quarrels simply because it's none of my business and she's weird anyways...but I draw the line at intimidation and abuse. I called the police. When they got there, she of course denied there had been any problem whatsoever. For crying out loud. Her son is a 19 year old punk. They didn't do anything but make him stay somewhere else for the night.

In summary...for my entire holiday weekend, I have lived on the couch, I have been in pain, I can't breathe, I have barely slept, I've been in the ER and I've dealt with the cops.

On the bright side...I did get a new computer! Woo hoo!!! Thanks Mom and Dad.

Bring It On

The leasing agreement we sign with the apartment complex clearly states that we are not allowed to leave our bags of trash sitting outside of our front doors. Legal definition: it is a health hazard and it doesn't follow the cleanliness and overall appearance rules of the complex. Basic definition: no one wants to look at and smell your shit all day.

The two girls that live in the apartment next to me have never obeyed this rule. They are forever leaving their bags of trash outside of the door and what's worse is that they've been known to let it sit there for a week or more at a time. Now...our front doors are less than 4 feet apart, however, I have never once complained to them or the management about this. As long as it's not blocking my door or smelling like crazy, I'm not going to get too ruffled about it.

That being said...I am now ruffled. Sunday I came home to notice that they had two large black trash bags sitting outside of their door. By Wednesday, one of the bags had disappeared but the other was still there. I thought nothing of it until this morning, 5 days later, when I opened my front door to find the bag of trash sitting directly in front of MY apartment. I picked it up and set it back in front of the girls' door and went to work. I have just come home to once again find the flippin' trash bag placed in front of my door. We are about to have a fight. I plan to keep an eye on the peep hole tonight and play garbage bag nazi...

Dr. Evil Do-er

I have a confession to make...I have not been to the dentist in about 18 years.

I can just hear the collective gasps from everyone.

I know it's bad and if I get one more lecture...I'm going to scream. The problem is that I haven't had Dental insurance and up until recently, I haven't had any problems with my teeth. The key word being recently. Awhile back I broke one of my back molars and surprisingly it hasn't caused me any realy pain until last night. I was awakened to painful throbbing throughout my jaw and a sudden sore throat. I went for an emergency visit to the dentist (who coincidentally is my age and extremely goodlooking...though I'm told he has a girlfriend) only to be told that I have a very serious infection in my tooth and I was given antibiotics that I had to double up on today.

I wasn't feeling good, I hadn't slept and I looked like crap in front of this hot doctor...then he starts telling me that I'm going to have to have a root canal and a crown done next week $1,700. Plus my wisdom teeth are impacted and he wants those to be removed before he does the crown...several hundred more dollars added to the total. I do not have dental coverage. I do not have $1,700 much less whatever else it will cost for the wisdom teeth.

This revelation on top of not feeling well caused me to burst into tears. I didn't want to. I felt like an idiot as the tears spilled over my cheeks. The worst part was when the Technician hurriedly handed me some tissues and a mirror and I realized that I forgot to wear waterproof mascara....shit. I had mascara all down my cheeks, on my eyelids..everywhere. My face was splotchy and my eyes were bloodshot....why couldn't I have had the ugly old dentist today?

And Then There Was One...

I suppose it had to happen at some time or another. I just wasn't expecting it to happen all at once...literally.

Everyone knows I'm single...and while I wish I could find a nice guy...I generally don't stress about it too much. (Exceptions to this rule: Holidays and when I have PMS...emotions are running crazy at both times.) Part of my confidence has been knowing that 3 of my very closest friends are single too...therefore, I'm not alone and we all spend our time together. Two of the friends are guys so we've always used each other for instant dates when we wanted to catch a movie, go to the theater or needed a companion for a wedding or other such party.

As of last week. This is no more.

We all know Cathy finally landed herself a man. Shy or not...he's got the hots for her and she is his 'last call of the day.' I'm genuinely happy for my best friend and I told her so. I wasn't stressing. This still left me with two single friends.

Then last Monday Jeff calls me. "Linny. You're never going to believe this. I met this amazing girl...she's really cool, funny, cute and we have so much in common. It's crazy. We went out this weekend and had a really cool date." I took a deep breath and told him how happy I was for him...because I truly am. I want my friends to find love. Besides, this still left me with one single friend.

Until Daniel calls me the very next day. "Linny...guess what! I'm dating C now! She came by this weekend and said she's liked me for a really long time and was just too scared to tell me. Things are going really great." This time I took a deep breath and said, "Now, Daniel...don't take what I'm about to say the wrong way. While I'm truly, truly happy for you...THIS FUCKING SUCKS!" Daniel is a good friend. He understood.

Now...there is just me. Waiting for my last call of the day...

Blah blah blah blah blah

I've been slacking lately. I know. I was super busy this weekend trying to crochet 6 scarves in 3 days. Am currently suffering from crooked finger syndrome. :0(

Will return when fingers take on normal shape.

Take Me To Your Leader...

I strongly believe the aforementioned aliens read my last blog and are subsequently playing mind tricks on me for their own amusement.

I was driving to work yesterday morning when I spotted what looked like I polar bear running across the front yard of one of the houses. I kid you not. It was running really quick and I couldn't get a good look so I sped up to see if I could catch another glimpse of it through the trees. All of my common sense said there was no way in hell it was a polar bear...but at 7:00am in freezing cold weather, it was a big white blur of something hauling ass.

See, where I live in Georgia...there a lot of old farm houses sitting on several acres of land that have big pastures with horses out front. When my family from Arizona visits, they like to call it Norman Rockwell Land. Generally it's all nice and quiet...that is until a polar bear interrupts your morning commute. So...like I was saying, I sped up until I was able to catch up with it...I was relieved to find out that it was just a pony. Whew!

Okay, then this morning I was asleep in the bed and I woke up to the feeling of the bed pressing down next to me...like when someone is laying down. Considering the fact that I live alone...I freaked. Eyes open in a flash, I was sitting straight up, wildly scanning the room. It was empty.

I'm telling you...it's the aliens. If I mysteriously vanish...you'll know what happened.

You Thought You Had Issues...

I'm a busy girl today but I've seen this on various blogs lately and thought it would be something interesting and easy to do.

These are five odd facts about me...

1. I have this weird thing about odd numbers and even numbers. If given the choice...I always choose an even number...to choose an odd one just physically feels 'wrong.' Don't know why. This also goes for directions. In my mind...right is 'even' and left is 'odd.' Therefore, if I'm given the option of going right or left to get to the same place...I ALWAYS go right.

2. I'm terrified of total darkness. I sleep with the television on and have night lights placed throughout the house. This comes from years of watching Unsolved Mysteries, The Twilight Zone and movies about UFO's...(big thanks to Dad). The irrational part of me still harbors a small fear of waking up to find an alien standing at the edge of my bed.

3. I cannot sleep with the closet door open...it must be closed or else I'll feel like someone is watching me all night. I also do not dangle my feet over the bed when I wake up...this stems from the childhood fear of monsters hiding under my bed. I jump from the bed and make sure to scurry out of arms length.

4. I'm lazy when it comes to household chores. I hate to clean. After I do laundry, I fold the clothes and put them into the laundry basket with every intention of going to hang them up or put them in drawers. What happens instead is that my basket remains on my bedroom floor and I just pull clothes out as I need them until the next wash day.

5. I put potato chips in my sandwiches...ALL of the time. Gives it a little crunch and added flavor. I also add french fries to my fast food hamburgers and chicken sandwiches. This also is thanks to my father...and before anyone gives me shit...Katie does it too.

They're Not Laughing WITH You...They're Laughing AT You

I have a confession to make.

I can't stop laughing at myself right now. No..wait. That's not my confession. This whole situation is just so silly.

Okay...well one of the things I love most about the power of the internet and blogging is that I've had the opportunity to meet some really great people from all over the world. That being said...my confession is to all my international blog friends. ( I can't believe I'm about to tell you this.) Ummm, well...it's just that...I have a tendency to read your blogs with various accents.

It sounds so strange. I know...I'm rereading this post and laughing because it sounds so crazy. But it's like this...when I'm reading, my internal dialogue takes on the accent from whatever country the writer is from. My favorites are my dear friends across the pond Innocent Bystander and Px, simply because I adore British accents. And if I'm being honest, Autumn ...I'm not sure what Danish people sound like, so I've always given your voice a bit of British flavor since I know you grew up there.

Never fear, I have my own idea of what I think my closer friends sound like too. I give you southern accents, sophisticated voices, quick...northern clips... and the whole 'Fargo' type dialect for Minnesota folks.

LOL. Linny Land is becoming a crazy, crazy place...I think there is going to be a rush to the airport for emergency flights home.

That's It...I'm Going To Hell

There is a saying that states, "all babies are beautiful." I am here to tell you that, that is a lie.

I adore children and I believe that all babies have an innate sweetness about them. However, this does not make them all pretty.

I visited with an old acquaintance recently and got to meet her new baby girl. When she pulled the blanket back from the stroller...I involuntarily gasped and put my hand to my mouth. She gave me a questioning look and I immediately covered with, "Oh my god...what a sweet baby. Have you ever seen anything so sweet?" Therefore, effectively covering my startlement with feigned awe.

Poor child.

As much as I preach about honesty...this is one time when a little white lie never hurts.

Confessions Of A Wierdo

I find in interesting how someone is who is actually very sane and normal can have such very weird and inappropriate thoughts. That someone is me of course, but I'm fairly sure I'm not alone in my thinking.

This hit me while I was at the bank on Friday. I was standing in the little roped off line and two thoughts crossed my mind. The first being, I wonder what would happen if I kicked the little metal pole the customer in front of me was leaning on? Not nice, I know. The second question was that I wondered what would happen if I suddenly started brandishing my pepper spray and declaring that "this is a holdup!" I've also had the question flashing in my head when I am trying to drive in a crowded parking lot. It's like...hmmmmmm...I wonder what would happen if I didn't slow down before reaching the pedestrian that just cut in front of me and gave me the finger?

Okay, they are inappropriate thoughts but it's not like we'd ever act on them...and I know I'm not alone...a friend once told me she hoped the 2x4's piled in the back of the truck in front of us, didn't fly out and skewer her. Go ahead and share your thoughts so I don't feel so weird.

Just A Bridge That I've Got To Burn

I made the mistake of reading through my old journals tonight. I was sick to my stomach as I relived the past 6 years through the ink on the page. I am ashamed of myself for justifying and forgiving your sarcasm, your attitude and your behavior. There were good times, but they will never be enough to excuse the rest...I settled when I should have walked out the door without a backwards glance. I let you come back time and time again...only to have you leave me hurt each time. All I wanted was for you to love me...but it took you 3 years just to even say the words. I was a fool... but today is a new day....'and there's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight. Just a bridge that I've got to burn.'

Thank you Kelly Clarkson for saying what has been in my heart....

What you see's not what you get
With you there's just no measurement
No way to tell what's real from what's isn't there
Your eyes they sparkled
That's all changed into lies that drop like acid rain
You washed away the best of me
You don't care

You know you did it
I'm gone
To find someone to live for in this world
There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I've gotta burn
You are wrong
If you think you can walk right through my door
That is just so you
Coming back when I've finally moved on
I'm already gone

Sometimes shattered
Never open, nothing matters
When you're broken
That was me whenever I was with you
Always ending, always over
Back and forth, up and down, like a roller coaster
I am breaking that habit today

There is nothing you can say
Sorry doesn't cut it babe
Take the hit and walk away
Cause I'm gone
Doesn't matter what you do
It's what you did that's hurting you
All I needed was the truth
Now I'm gone

Burn The Proof! Quick!!

While I was buying Christmas cards today...I saw a guy that was sporting a rat tail. I almost died! For those of you who may be a little young to remember, a rat tail was big in the late 80's early 90's (circa: New Kids on the Block). It's when guys had all of their hair cut short except for one long strip in the back that looked like a tail...to me, it's worse than the mullet. I had no idea the tail was still in existence...and what's worse is that he had his little boy's hair cut the same way. Ugh.

I will admit that I am guilty of following some rediculous trends from back in the day. When I see pictures of myself from back then, I can't help but to cringe. Let's see...I fell victim to the penny loafers (with real pennies inside), wearing big gaudy peace signs around my neck, thick eyebrows, slouch socks, rubber bracelets and jelly shoes. I was also guilty of rockin' the tight rolled jeans and denim shorts, hyper color shirts, bleached jeans and jeans with the little bow at the bottom. Yikes.

I've told you mine...now you have to tell me yours...come on. I know some of you guys totally wore the 'members only' jackets and had the short hair with the little spikes on the side.

You're Rolling Your Eyes At Me...I Know...

Before anyone even asks...no this is not my home. I live in an apartment...but I'm the type of person that would totally do my house up like this...minus the light up animals.

It was already dark when I started the drive home tonight. I got excited because on the way, I passed so many houses that were completely decked out with Christmas lights. I know a lot of people roll their eyes at these places and think, "Ugh, how gaudy!" I however think they are beautiful. The more lights the merrier.

As Christmas grew nearer, my mom used to pile us into the car at night and drive us around for hours just to look at all the Christmas lights. Truth be told, I think it was the only way she could get us all to sit down and shut up for any length of time. But for whatever the reason, this, along with our holiday movies, became a yearly tradition. I'll be honest, even now at 28 years old, I still drive around and look at all the lights...there is just something very magical about them to me. What can I say? I'm a girl that's afraid of the dark and still owns more toys than her nephew.

Like A Boyscout...Always Prepared

Being a single woman, I can pretty much wear whatever I want to bed and not give it a second thought. This generally means boxers and a t-shirt most of the time. Also, since it is the winter season I have the option of not shaving every single day like I do in the summer. (Come on ladies, we all do it...don't leave me out here alone on this one...and boys, don't frown. When I have a boyfriend I make sure I stay smooth at all times...well, most of the time.)

There is one exception to this normal bedtime attire of mine...and it depends on the weather. I have this irrational fear that something is going to happen during a terrible thunderstorm or tornado watch where I'm going to be forced from my apartment in the middle of the night. In the event of that happening, whenever there is a REALLY bad storm, I always dress in whatever I want to be seen in if I have to rush out. Now, I don't go to sleep in my jeans or anything crazy like that...but I do make sure I'm wearing my 'nicer' pajama pants and a nice shirt and socks...just in case.

I've also been known to do this if I'm really sick to the point where I think someone may have to take me to the hospital. Only on these occassions, I make sure that I take a shower and shave because I don't want to the hospital staff to have to see my hairy legs. The irrational part of me imagines the doctors and nurses whispering behind their hands to one another about my lack of shaving. In the back of my mind I can hear them cracking jokes about hoping that I listened to my mother about wearing clean underwear...

I'm sick...I know.

Was It Just Me?

I grew up in a time before every family owned a VCR and before every movie and television show ever created was available on DVD. While I thoroughly enjoy all of the movies I own now, I am also thankful that we didn't have that luxury when I was growing up.

When we were kids, my brothers and sister and I looked forward to the Holiday season all year long and it wasn't just because we knew we were going to get presents. We waited with growing anticipation for...our holiday movies. That's right. We're talking, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Frosty the Snowman, A Charlie Brown Christmas...and The Wizard of Oz (I know that really isn't holiday related but for some reason they seemed to play it around the same time.)
These movies only aired on television once a year but somewhere along the way they became part of a family tradition for us. On the big night I remember my mom would get us all into our pajamas and we'd each grab a blanket and curl up in the floor in front of the television. Mom would turn off the lights and it was like we were sitting in a movie theater. Everything was larger than life. The music would start playing and everyone would start shooshing everyone else to be quiet...then eyes big as saucers...we'd start our adventure.

Those special nights in front of the tv are some of my fondest memories as a child. I just hate that the kids of today are missing out on that since all of these movies are now readily available on DVD and can be watched any time of the year, as often as they like. To me, it just takes some of the specialness out of it. Everyone else can do as they like, but when I have children, this is one tradition that I intend to keep.

I Miss My Button

Flash back 20 some odd years to my favorite part of elementary school. No, it wasn't recess...it was participating in the Book It plan. I had always read like crazy so when one of my teachers told us about the plan...I was so excited that I nearly fell out of my chair. We were all given a big button and told that whenever we read a book, we had to write a book report and give it to the teacher. In exchange we would receive a gold star that fit on our button. Once we had stars all around the button...we got a free pizza!!! What was better than that? Not only did I get to read...but I got a pizza just for doing it! Let me tell you...I read so many books and wrote so many reports that I started stock piling them. Too bad I didn't think about selling the reports to the kids who didn't like to read.

My other favorite memory of elementary school was the book fair. I would look forward to these for weeks and weeks once the teachers handed out the little catalogs. I would pour over my little catalog and carefully pick which books I wanted, then I'd bargain with my mother over how many chores I'd have to do in exchange for the money.

On the day of the fair I would wear my favorite clothes and wait with almost unbearable anticipation until our teacher finally announced that it was our turn. Money and catalog clutched to my chest, I took my place in the alphabetical, single file line and silently cursed my parents for having a last name that was so far down the alphabet. I can still remember the feeling of awe that I experienced when I walked into the library and saw the open book cases literally overflowing with books. I don't remember ever being happier in school. Ever.

The Day I Stepped Off The Kiddie Train

As with any other red blooded kid I wholeheartedly believed in all the fairytale characters I grew up with...Santa Clause, Easter Bunny, Toothfairy, Elves, Reindeer, etc. I always imagined that they were all kind of members of the same club...I don't know. Like a 'Justice League' sort of thing. In Linny Land they would all be gathered around a table discussing presents for all the little children when an alarm would sound and a red police light would flash around the room. A large television screen would suddenly appear, showing the face of a sleeping boy or girl and you'd hear, "Toothfairy, 1859 Debelle St., Ga, USA. Little Tommy Smith has lost a tooth. I repeat, little Tommy Smith has lost a tooth. Be advised." The Toothfairy would then flitter off to take care of business.

Well, there was one year when I lost a tooth and I ever so carfully put it in an envelope labled "Toothfairy" and placed it securely under my pillow. When I awoke the next day I excitedly snatched up my pillow expecting to find the tooth gone and a dollar bill in it's place. What did I find instead? My tooth. Completely distraught I carried the envelope to my mother who assured me that the Toothfairy hadn't forgotten me. She said the problem was that she had forgotten to crack my window before I went to bed so when the Toothfairy came, she hadn't been able to get in. That night, I watched as my mother cracked the window and then I tucked the envelope under my pillow. This time I woke up and was ecstatic to find a crisp dollar bill on my pillow. All was well again in Linny Land.

Until...a few weeks later. I had dragged a chair over and was searching through one of the kitchen cabinets (I can't remember what I was looking for) when I spotted my Toothfairy envelope. I remember that moment very clearly. Eye filled with tears. That is the day I realized that fairytales were just that....fairytales.

Do You Like Me?

Check

Yes or No

There has been some news people!!!! It appears that our boy Joshua is just painfully shy. They spent an entire week together and NEVER did he once mention their 'talk' nor did he respond to her flirting. However, after they returned home today he called and asked her if she'd received his e-mail. She had not. (Apparently he had hit 'save' instead of 'send'.) He won't tell her exactly what it says...only that it was an answer to her question...and there was a song in it. He was still too shy to talk about it on the phone...all he said was that he was too nervous to bring it up on the trip and his friend kept calling him to ask if "he had talked to her." And the friend also told him, "Invite her to the Christmas party. You ARE allowed to bring a date you know!" That's as much as he would say...he said she'd have to wait until he resent the e-mail. But all of this, on top of the fact that he took her to cut down a Christmas tree AND he helped her set it up...means....he loves her!!!! Or at least likes her a lot.

Sending Out An SOS....

Best friend e-mailed me today with a huge dilemma that needs an immediate solution. Every suggestion I have given has already been attempted and failed miserably so we are imploring to all of my super intelligent blog friends for advice.

The situation is this...Cathy (stop groaning Cathy...they already knew your name from previous posts)...has a very good guy friend whom we shall call Joshua. Joshua and Cathy spend TONS of time together, not only do they work together but he spends the night at her place frequently (though he stays in the guest room) and he hangs out at her house daily. They are very close...and recently Cathy has realized that she has feeling for him. She thought he felt the same way...she was getting the vibes but thought he was too shy to do anything about it. After all, he hasn't been on a date in the 2 years he's lived in the area. (And no...he's not gay.)

So, feeling that he's interested but shy, she takes it upon herself to tell him her feelings during a phone conversation...after she's poured out her heart...there is dead silence on the other end of line. Apparently the word is that he feels like they're too good of friends and he doesnt' want to ruin that (though he hasn't said this to her directly). They are currently out of state on a work related trip together and will be returning home this weekend...we were kind of hoping maybe something would happen but so far...zip...zilch...nada. Any suggestions for how to sway our boy to her side?