Embarrassed

First of all, big thanks to

Keshi

for naming me as one of the hottest bloggers. My cheeks are still burning.

Secondly...when I sent my Editor my review...I was in such a hurry that I sent her the unedited version. When I realized it, the word "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk" resounded in my head. They're not terribly different but I would have preferred the other to be published. But oh well. So without further ado, here's the unedited version of this week's review.

Movie Review

Uncertainty

Inner turmoil is a beast.

Good and evil have been dueling within my conscience for the last few days. Not wanting to disturb, I've watched from the sidelines as they danced back and forth, swords in hand, oblivious to the resounding echo of the blades clashing...

I watched and I watched until one of them fell.

Victory and defeat both greeted by an overwhelming silence. It's over...

I stared down at the envelope in my hands, turning it over and over...running my fingers across the hesitantly scrawled address. With a heavy sigh I bid it farewell and started it on it's journey.

What's done is done. There's no turning back now.

A Kiss Before Dying

I was wondering, is it possible to still be hungover from the weekend?

Before you say anything, let me just say...the whole night began very innocently as just a plan to meet some friends at the bar for a few drinks after I saw "V For Vendetta" (Great movie by the way.) Me...well, I had planned on just having a few beers. I mean, after all Bud Light and I are good friends, we've never had a falling out, he's never taken advantage of me and he always calls the next day. We're cool. However, my Bud Light was asked to wait outside while my friends lined up shot after shot after shot...(never again will I throw BL out into the cold).

At first things were right as rain...at least until someone had the bright idea to swing by Waffle House. We weren't there 15 minutes before the smell of the greasy food hit my stomach, causing it to flip and twirl to the point where I found myself face first in their toilet. (FYI-I am sooooo thankful that this was actually a clean WH.)

When the worst was over, I cautiously peered into the mirror to survey the damage. My nose and chin were a little red but I still looked presentable so I popped in a piece of gum and went back to the table. Roughly 10 minutes later, our food arrived and I unceremoniously found myself being reacquainted with the toilet. Unfortunately, my second trip to the mirror revealed some bad news. My carefully applied mascara was now lying in puddles and smudges beneath my eyes...my face was blotchy beyond repair and my hair had gone all stringy. My first reaction was, "oh god...I look like total shit." Immediately panick set in and I found myself taking a drunken inventory of all the items in the bathroom. Toilet paper: check/Soap and water: check, check/Emergency hair band in jeans pocket: CHECK!

Even with the room spinning I somehow managed to turn into MacGuyver, making use of anything that was available...except the plunger. I couldn't think of any thing to do with that.

I am relieved to find that the memory of that night is finally starting to fade away...now it's just like a faint flicker of images in the back of my mind. With any luck it will soon be swallowed up by the darkness never to be heard from again...

Creepy Creeperson Magnet

I've always been a magnet for dirty old men. Always.

Let's start with the most recent incident shall we? Well, my friend's father is doing some work for us at the office and while I've known my friend for many years, I've only met his dad once, which apparently is lucky for me.

On his first day in the office I noticed that he continually winked at me whenever we talked, but me being one to ignore things, I just blew it off. Who knows, maybe the guy has a nervous tick or maybe he's hopped up on coke...whatever the reason, I just let it go. At least until the next afternoon when he said to me, "I notice you don't have a ring on your finger. I take it you're not married?"

(Again with this fucking question.) I forced a smile and said, "Nope...just haven't found a guy that could handle me yet." We laughed and he left.

Later that day he swaggers up to me like he's John Travolta in "Saturday Night Fever." I watched him apprehensively as he noticably checked me out. There was a small pause before he leaned in and said, "Tell me, how is it that someone as vivacious and bubbly as you hasn't been snatched up yet? You're such a beautiful girl. Honey, back in the day, I would have been all over you....or I would have at least tried." (Like hell you would have asshole...I would have kicked you in the balls.) Now, keep in mind that he did NOT say this in a sweet, old man kind of way. He said it in a strictly perverse 'I think you're hot and wish I could still get it up so I could boink you' kind of way. Ewww. I still feel dirty.

As if that wasn't bad enought, there was a time when I was being actively pursued by the father of a guy I was dating. No shit. He would call me at home and offer to take me out...he would flirt with me any time I came over to the house...and the worst thing is that he was married. He flat out said in front of his son, "This is a new situation for me. I've never had to compete with my son for a girl...but this time I will." Okay...ummm right. I'm happy to say that, that was pretty much the last time I spoke to either of them. Ever.

Last but not least, you've got the years when I worked at a preschool where I was known to frequently wear cut-off shorts in the summer. (However, I will have you know that I always kept them at a tasteful length.) Anywho, several years after the fact, I was being employed by the father of one of my former students and one night he revealed to me that he used to fantasize about me and my shorts all of the time. I mean seriously...can they not keep this crap to theirselves?

Bright Lights, Big Mouth

Why do I write so many posts chronicling the scrutiny of the single life by non-single persons?Well, the reason is simple...I do it because the scrutiny is a daily occurrence.

Sometimes you feel as if you are walking down a catwalk, bright lights shining in your face, loud music thundering in your ears, flash bulbs erupting like tiny bolts of lightening...and all the while the room is filled with hundreds of non-singles...watching you...looking for flaws, for weaknesses, just waiting for you to trip and fall.

Well, one of those critical faces confronted me directly this week. A co-worker felt the need to inquire as to why, at nearly 29 years of age, I wasn't married yet (she after all had gotten married when she was 19. She and I are the same age yet she has been married for nearly 10 years and has 2 children, whereas I live alone and don't have so much as a parakeet.)

I gritted my teeth and gave the now robotic response, "I just haven't found the right guy yet." And do you KNOW what she said to me?

"You know, you should really think of trying one of those Match.com dating things...that's what I would do if I were in your situation. I mean, because really...you're not going to be able to have kids after too much longer you know."

A few moments of silence followed and instead of punching her between the eyes as was my initial reaction to handling the situation, I took another route. Instead, I calmly picked my jaw up off the floor, closed my eyes and strutted down my catwalk...hips swaying...lights flashing...letting the pounding music drown out the nay sayers.

My runway, my life.

Let them ogle me...because the plain fact of the matter is, while I'm strutting ahead in life...they're stuck to their seats.

Going Green

Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone!!!

Tonight I am headed to a block party where there is a lot of green beer with my name on it. I plan to be nice and wobbly before the evening's end.

Have fun tonight!!

This Week's Movie Review

(Keep in mind that I wrote this when I had lost my creativity so it's not as great as I wanted it to be but next week will be better. I think we're going to see "V for Vendetta.")

Banging My Head Against The Wall

Oh for pete's sake!! What the hell is wrong with me?

I have had no desire to write....*gasp* Oh the horror.

Say it ain't so...

Oh...it's so.

It started on Sunday, the very day I had to write this week's review. I sat down with my notes and...poof...every creative thing in me disappeared straight out of my head. It's like someone poked a hole in me and let all the air out.

It's 3 days later and still, nothing. No desire to write in my journal, no desire to blog (it's painful for me to write this.)

Oh god. Someone has put a voodoo curse on me!!! They got some graveyard dirt and chicken bones and took away my desire to write!!! Damn them and their wickedness. Where's a smudge stick and a priestess when you need one?

Love Is...

Love is when your uncle is so proud of you that he brings all of his employees in to read your published movie review.

I love you too Uncle Jackie.

I just wish you lived closer.

Guilty Guilty Guilty

I was making my way towards the grocery check out this morning when I made a last minute decision to not purchase one of the items in my basket.

Now keep in mind that I am generally a pretty strict 'do the right thing' type of person. So normally when I decide that I don't want to get an item, I will walk back to where I got it and put it in it's proper place instead of leaving it on a random shelf. I used to work in retail, I know what a pain in the ass it is for the employees when customers are lazy.

Well, today...just this once, I was in a bit of a hurry and the aisle to which this item belonged was on the other side of the store. Seeing as how I have NEVER been one to break this type of rule, I figure I've got a bit of good karma stored up on my side so it would be ok if I set it aside just this once. Problem was...this item needed to be refrigerated. I looked around and noticed that the refrigerated shelves where they keep the eggs was close by so I headed that way...already feeling guilty.

Unfortunately for me, there were people standing in front of the eggs so I fienged interest in the various boxes of cereal on a nearby shelf. I wanted the area to be clear. No witnesses. But as one person would leave...another would walk up. I continued to browse the cereals...stealing glances over my shoulder as often as 'not coming off creepy' rules would allow. At one point an older woman caught my eye and it was like she could read my mind...she knew what I was planning. GUILT!!!!!

I finally got the all clear and hurried over to my shelves. With a final look around the area to ensure no witnesses, I dropped my item on the shelf and ran like hell.

Mommy, Tell Me A Story...

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Linny who loved to write (and for the sake of the story, it should also be mentioned that this little girl loved to see movies too).

Well, one day, a little birdie landed on the ledge of Linny's window and tap tap tapped against the glass pane. When the Linny opened the window, the birdie stuck out it's leg to reveal the small note that was attached.

The note read:

Dear Linny, we would like to pay for you to watch movies and then write about them for our newspaper for everyone to see.

Signed,
Your Local Newspaper

Our local paper has a "Film Fan" section in it's Friday edition. Every week, local residents that have been hired to kind of Free Lance, write a 100 word piece on the movie of the week. They don't pay us much...it's about enough for a ticket, some popcorn and a soda. But that's not why we do it right? We do it because we love to write, we want to see our stuff in print, and at least for me, I love to see movies...especially for free.

I know it's not anything big but it's a small step in the right direction and it's something fun.

UPDATE:
After some serious issues with trying to figure out how to get a link in here w/o screwing up my format....I've have finally mangaged to link the damn review (you're looking for the one by 'Lindsey'...it's at the bottom). *Sigh of relief* They've just e-mailed my assignment for next week...I'll be seeing "Failure to Launch."

Movie Review

It's A Sickness

I get the distinct impression that to some people, being single in your late 20's means you're like a lame horse that needs to be put down.

I'm sorry, did I miss the billboard that says, "Only losers are still single" ?

Example #1
Following the recent passing of her grandfather, my friend P and her family met with the Funeral Director to write the obituary. At one point the Director began listing the surviving family. He mentioned my friend's brother and his wife...her sister and her husband...then he wrote my friend's name and looked up at her expectantly. She shook her head and said, "Oh no...it's just me." The Director narrowed his eyes..."What, you don't have an 'and' ? "

Example #2
You'd think it stops there. Oh no kimosabe. This sickness has crossed continents and tainted those inhabitants as well.

During an overseas trip for work, Cathy was meeting with a client who casually asked what age most American women get married. Cathy thought about it and said, "I don't know...maybe 25?"

The woman eyed her up and down, allowing her eyes to linger on her bare ring finger. "Hmmm. And you're well past that I take it?"

I'm afraid I might have said, "Take this!" And then shown her my middle finger.

Know When To Run...

Yesterday I was strolling through the bookstore when, without notice, my heart suddenly lodged itself in my throat. There, sitting on a stool in the home improvement section with his daughter, was an old boyfriend. We had only seen each other once over the last 11 years and that was at the reunion 6 months ago. This was not good.

My mind raced. Do I run? I could hide behind the travel section...I might be able to make it...

Before I even finished the last sentence, he spotted me. I was stuck. The only way to go now was forward. Straight into enemy territory.

My feet felt as if they were filled with lead. I trudged ahead, mindful of any bombs or poisonous barbs that may lie in my path. I focused on his hair...his now graying hair. (This provided the only silver lining to the big black cloud that was now looming over my head.)

We smiled and exchanged false pleasantries until I was caught off guard by the sudden arrival of reinforcements...in the form of his wife (who incidently does not like me.)

My nerves got the best of me and a terrible, terrible thing happened. I started talking...rambling really...and couldn't stop. It's like, in your mind...you hear what you're saying, you know you've gone too far and you know you should stop...but no matter how far you stretch, that 'off' button is just out of your reach.

I'm not sure how I finally escaped. Maybe I waved a white flag...maybe I snuck off while they weren't looking. What I do know is that I woke up this morning with a hang over.

What's A Girl To Write?

I'm sitting at the computer...fingers stroking the keyboard... staring at a blank page that begs to be filled.

Buuuuuuut. I'm drawing a blank.

I suppose that I could write about spending two evenings in the dark, dank, mudfilled underbelly of my parent's house trying to save the litter of puppies trapped there. I could tell you about Katie and Dee having to crawl on their bellies through the labrynth of support beams to retrieve them and scoot them back to me since my boobs were too big to fit through the crawlspace.

I could also mention how Katie inadvertantly locked us in the basement and had to then maneuver around a pipe filled hole in the brick wall to get outside and free us. Momentary panic was replaced with relief at the sight of the last bit of her body freeing itself from the hole and escaping to the outside world.

It' s been a long couple of days and I still have dirt up my nose and all over my clothes (all of you southerners know what it's like to have to deal with red clay...imagine it in your hair, your nose, your clothes, in your bra....ugh.) Poor Kate and Dee got the worst of it.

So there you go. A completely boring and lackluster post. Give me some time to rest and I'll be back to normal...if the clay hasn't gotten to my brain.