Who are you and where is my underwear?

My guy friends and I got into this discussion about one night stands and they were gloating about how many girls they had hooked up with. I, apparently am the only person in the world who hasn't had one. But then I started thinking...does it count as a one nighter if it's with a guy you'd been casually seeing and you only slept together once and never saw each other again? (Because he sucked). But then you have to ask, does it still count as sex if it lasted less than 5 minutes?

I didn't have the heart to tell the guys that I know several of the girls they'd 'hooked' up with and there were reasons why there was never a return visit.

Guys....in case you don't know, we girls tell our girlfriends EVERYTHING. If you've got something weird on your body, penis size (and shape), how long you last during sex, weird things you may say or ask of us during sex, etc. etc. For instance, one friend's ex has a crooked penis, another friend's boyfriend likes to have sex with her while she's washing dishes and...insists that she keep washing them. When one girl asked her boyfriend to talk dirty to her, he said, "can I park my car in your garage?" And another burst into a fit of giggles when her boyfriend decided to try to be kinky and spank her...it was so bad, she couldn't continue.

Ahhhh I can see your eyes bulging as we speak...Sweet dreams tonight boys. :0)

Secret Pooper

I've always thought there was kind of an unspoken rule among most people that you just don't do number 2 at work... at a friend's home ...or in public places unless it is absolutely necessary. Call me a pooping prude if you will but I feel more comfortable in my own bathroom. I mean, come on, to do otherwise is just a recipe for disaster. You've got to take into account: odor...noise...and worst of all....clogging. Does everyone remember that unfortunate scene in Dumb and Dumber?

Sadly, I have a coworker who does not share this particular belief, as a matter of fact, she blows it out of the water (pardon the pun). We call her...The Secret Pooper...namely because her identity eluded us for so long. This woman has a PROBLEM. Every single day...Secret Pooper does number 2 and the smell wafts out from under the door and drifts down the hall...to the point where we have to go and spray lysol around the office.

The last straw came on Friday. It appears that our Pooper had an "upset stomach" and failed to clean up after herself, forcing me to address the staff in a memo on the issue of 'proper hygiene in the work place.'

Oh Matthew

By the way....anyone who wants to see a super hot photo of Matthew McCaunoghey...please just click on the title of this post... then we can all thank Lilith for her generosity.

Night Terrors

I am such a chicken shit. I am 28 years old and I am afraid of the dark. I have been for as long as I remember...it's sad but true. When I was growing up, my dad loved the Twilight Zone and scary movies about aliens and boogey men so if we wanted to watch tv at night, that's what we had to watch. For a long time I'd wait until my parents fell asleep, then I'd pull my blankets over to my door way and sleep in the floor because mom kept the hall light on and I figured that way I had a better chance of seeing any aliens before they tried to abduct me.

Okay, so now I'm not scared of aliens anymore but I've never been able to shake the phobia. I sleep with the tv and a hall light on.

Last night I had fallen asleep on the couch when I heard the shrill shrieking of a woman somewhere around me, immediately followed by thunder exploding outside my window with such force that my walls shook. I was so thoroughly frightened that I jumped straight off the couch and stood shaking in the middle of my living room as I tried to gain my bearings. Apparently, I'd been watching something on the Sci-Fi channel before I fell asleep and the scary movie that was playing had managed to weezle it's way into my subconsious. (ie: the screaming woman). Add this to the raging storm outside and you have one big sissy.

Needless to say, I switched the tv to the Disney channel and turned on various lights in the house. I need therapy.....

Tips for job interviews

Now that I've once again begun digging through the piles of resumes and going through the interviewing process, I've come to realize why the unemployment rate is so high. It's because most of these people are flippin' idiots. I got so annoyed that I decided to come up with some general rules for interviewees.

1. If you've sent out your resume and listed your cell as a contact number, do not answer your phone, "What, Yo, or Go ahead." (automatic frowny face on your resume.)
2. When I call you at home, do not yell in my ear, "MOM, I GOT IT. HANG UP THE PHONE!!! I-SAID-I-GOT-IT!!!"
3. When I tell you that I'm calling regarding the resume that you submitted, do not simply say, "Yeah or Uh huh" like you couldn't care less.
4. While in the front office, do not wear your headphones and bob to the music while you are waiting for me to call you back for the interview.
5. Do not stare at my breasts while I'm talking to you.
6. If you are oozing from your ears, nose, mouth or any other orafice...RESCHEDULE!!!!
7. Remember that Kool-Aid colored hair is not appropriate in a professional setting.
8. I do not want to know about your recent divorce from your "lazy ass ex-husband" or about the "little tramp" he's sleeping with.
9. Do not tell me about the fire at the nursing home you worked at when you ran and left the elderly patients to fend for themselves because as you see it, they've lived their life and you're still young.
10. When I tell you I'll get back in touch with you on Friday, do not call me 3 times a day, every day leading up to Friday.
11. Do not idley chew on your tongue ring while I'm asking you questions.
12. Please don't hug me at the end of the interview.
13. Do not arrive an hour late for the interview and then proceed to argue that I gave you the wrong arrival time.

When is it okay....?

Hmmm. After my rather disappointing day at the office I decided to go out and make friends with a few bottles of Bud Light. There's a little Tavern nearby where you can just sit on the patio and relax so I kicked back under an umbrella and tried to forget about the day.

I was just beginning to feel successful in my efforts when I got some company that definetly caused a distraction. This 6"0 tall guy takes a seat at the table next to me and honestly I couldn't help but to check him out from the corner of my eye. And no..he wasn't goodlooking. This guy had long blond hair and bangs. I mean "serious, cut across your brows like an 8 year old girl" bangs. I was fascinated. At what point did he look in the mirror and say..."Damn boy, you should get yourself some bangs. Then you'd be looking mighty fine. Yes indeedy."

Death By Zinfandel

Have you ever had a smell that just sticks with you? Something that reminds you of your past and every time you smell it, it takes you back in time to that moment. For me, it's the smell of wine. White Zinfadel to be more precise but any wine will do it.

Whenever the scent tickles my nose...I want to throw up. No fond memories for Zin and me I'm afraid...it's too bad really, we used to be good friends. We watched sappy movies together, shared lovely dinners and even a few memorable evenings. Everything was going well, we even accompanied a friend to Charleston for his fraternity formal. Unfortunately that is where everything fell apart. During dinner, I had a few innocent glasses of wine to loosen up because I was surrounded by strangers and several of the "Brothers" girlfriends had made it clear they would love nothing more than for me to choke to death during dinner. Apparently they didn't take too kindly to their boyfriends making polite conversation with me.

At any rate, with each death ray I was shot, I had another drink. Then we started dancing and everytime I stopped by our table my wine glass had miraculously filled itself again. Amazing. We danced for hours and I felt perfectly fine...until we got on the shuttle headed back to the hotel. (Little did I know that I had actually ended up drinking 7 glasses of wine and 3 margaritas). The moment I sat down, it was as if my body had lifted up and had suddenly been slammed back down with amazing force, leaving me disoriented and foggy headed. I do have one clear memory of walking through the lobby with Andy and his friends and I had to keep talking to myself, "Walk properly, one foot in front of the other. That's it. Very good, you havent' tripped once..you're almost to the elevator now. Whatever you do, DON'T EMBARRASS ANDY." And to my credit, I didn't... at least that night. I made it upstairs in one peice and threw up only once that night, after I was able to make the room stop spinning in circles. They're tricky, those spinning rooms.

The real test of friendship came the next morning when we had to leave very early and very hungover in order to make the 5 hour trip home so that I could go back to work. Anyone who has been to Charleston knows that it is a lovely city with beautiful cobblestoned streets. However, when you're hungover to the point of laying in the floor of the passenger side, resting your head on the seat, the last thing you want to do is travel on cobblestone. Every bump sent my stomach into momentary spasms and with only a moments warning, Andy was able to pull off the road seconds before I wretched. After a moment of silence and a shirt change, Andy and I were back on the road. Thus forever ending my friendship with Zinfandel.

No, you may not touch my breasts.

Why oh why? Alas, men seem to think that I have no face, no brain, no bottom...they do however recall my knees (after a swift kick to their groin to bring them back to reality). Yes, I will confess that there is a reason that my friends call me "Hooters" and "Big Boobs MaGee." However, this does in no way give you the right to openly stare, grope, drool or fondle yourself in front of me.
Truly...men seem to have no tact, see for yourself:

1. A street vendor was walking around selling roses in a local bar I was visiting with some friends. During mid-conversation, she laid a yellow rose in front of me and jerked her head towards a guy sitting behind us. "He said to give this to the girl with the big tits." Lovely. Thank you.
2. During my days as a server I very rarely had men tell me their drink orders. They instead ordered them to my breasts. (Right breast) "I'd like a Heineken please." (Left Breast) "Make mine a Sam Adams."
3. A friend was introducing me to a guy she wanted to hook me up with. As we shook hands and I introduced myself...his eyes took on that familiar glaze..."Hi, I'm Chad (*pause*), seriously, those can't be real." Well Chad...now you'll never know.
4. While serving a table of teenage guys, a male co-worker stopped at the table (knowing that I was wearing a bra that clasped in the front) and wrapped his arms around me and squeezed. He stepped back with a satisfied nod as my clasp popped open, he tipped his hat and said..."you can thank me later boys."

Then there is always the never failing:

1. Would you like to engage in a game of open handed boobie boxing?
2. During cases of emergency, Linny can be used as a floatation device.
3. Hooters, hooters, hooters...Yum Yum Yum.

Secret Confessions

You know, we've all done things or had crazy thoughts that we would never tell anyone for fear that we would be teased mercilessly. Some are lesser transgressions that others are equally guilty of, others...well, others may make you wonder if you're normal. I confess... I am guilty of both.

1. I went to a Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch concert.
2. I watched "Dancing with the Stars" religously.
3. I'm afraid of the dark and have to sleep with a light on because as I child I thought aliens would come and get me while I slept.
4. When I was little, I refused to put my stuffed animals in a plastic bag when we moved because I was afraid they would suffocate.
5. I once screamed myself hoarse at a New Kids on the Block concert. Joe McIntyre had run to my side of the stage and was waving to the crowd. Even though I was seated in the rafters, in the dark, with a thousand other girls between us...I knew he was waving to me...To ME! I Love You Joey Joe!!!
6. I'm careful not to get completely naked in a department store dressing room. I am convinced that there are people watching from behind the mirrors mounted on the walls. I also check the ceiling tiles when I walk in for noticable evidence of cameras.
7. Whenever I see a suspicous person or event, I try to memorize the time and as many details about the subjects, in the event that police call upon me as a witness who busts the case wide open.
8. I work for a physician and have to wear scrubs...though I am not a nurse. However, I am frequently paranoid that I will be in a crowded place one day when someone falls out and everyone turns to me expecting me to save this person's life. Unless they have a rubber head and half a body...I'm no good.
9. I secretly fantasize about being a really cool super spy like Jennifer Garner in Alias.

I'm a Dumbass

I did something stupid this morning...so obviously I must now share and while I'm sharing I thought it would be fun to share other stupid things I've done..

1. I changed trash bags yesterday and put the full one the porch b/c it smelled (my nephew's dirty diapers) and figured I'd grab it on my way out this morning. Well, I did, and didn't notice anything unusual until I got it in the car. My trunk was full so I had to put it in the backseat. There was only dry stuff in the bag so I figured it would be ok. Well, as I'm driving towards the compactor, I notice a small bug fly past my face. I look behind me and now notice the shadows of about 20 small flying things moving in the bag and making their way out. I roll down all the windows and when I finally get to the compactor. I grabbed the bag and ran full out to the opening for fear that they would crawl on me. Then I spent a good 5 minutes chasing the few stray boogers out of my car. Yuck!!

2. One morning I dressed for work in the dark and had been at the office for about an hour before someone informed me that I was wearing my scrub pants inside out. Embarrassed I went to the bathroom to fix them, only to discover that my underwear was also inside out.

3. At work I couldn't seem to access my computer. It wouldn't accept my password no matter what. I finally called tech support and chewed them out saying i was tired of all the problems we've had lately, yada yada yada. After ranting at the poor kid, I realized that the problem was that my Caps Lock had been on the whole time. Ooops. Sorry.

4. One of the jewels popped off of my favorite belly button ring so clever me decided to super glue it back on...while I was still wearing the ring. Well, the glue squirted out unexpectedly and I wound up with super glue on my hands, clothes and down my pants.

5. I was sitting in the crowded cafeteria in 9th grade when I noticed one of the popular older girls was standing near my table and appeared to be motioning me to join her and her friends. I'm super excited...I jump up and run over to where she was standing and said, "you wanted me?" She kind of frowned and said, "No, actually, I was talking to my friend Amy." I turned around and Amy was indeed standing behind me. Utter mortification for a lowly underclassman.

Deviled Eggs

Once upon a time, I had what I thought was the "typical" life of a woman in her twenties. I had a good job, good friends and a steady boyfriend. What more could I ask for? Then after 4 years, the boyfriend dumps me. I endured a long bout of heartache and tears, then I decided, you know what? Screw men. I'm a successful, intelligent and beautiful woman with tons of supportive friends. I don't need a man in my life to be happy! So with this new found look on life, I set out to enjoy being single. The catch: there was still a small part of me that was embarrassed and sad that I was single. Pathetic, I know...but it's the truth.

So the holidays were coming around and I was definetly trying to pump myself up so I wouldn't fall into the " whoa 'es me, I'm all alone for the holidays depression." During Thanksgiving dinner, I'm sitting around the dinner table with all my Aunts, Uncles and cousins when the inevitable happens. My greasy, balding, pedifile looking cousin, W. wipes his mouth on his sleeve and says, " So Linny. Everyone else seems to have a date...what happened to yours? I heard you got dumped." Asshole! All other conversation in the room seemed to cease and 15 pairs of eyes turned to me in unison. MF! At that moment I wanted to reach across the table and slam his face into the platter of deviled eggs. I could feel the heat rising to my cheeks but I played it cool. I lied. "Actually, I dumped him. I decided I was too young to be tied down to one person and I wanted to play the field a little bit." That earned an approving nod from my father. (Mental note: must thank Dad). This exchange rolled right off of W.'s greasy head and he struck again. "You know...you're not getting any younger. You've got to be careful...you're getting to that age where you can't start being too picky about who you date. The clock is ticking and you're almost out of batteries."

I was mortified. Not only was I newly single and facing the inevitable holiday depression, but this... waddling ball of sweaty clothes known as my cousin, had the nerve to bring it to the attention of my entire family preach to me about my biological clock. This coming from a man who cannot be left alone with any female member of the family for fear that he'll hit on one of us. I don't know what's stings worse...his mouth, or the fact that HE'S married and here I am still single.

Now here I am, nearing the holidays again and though I'm more comfortable with being single, I think my family has grown even more uncomfortable. So what if I'm 28 and not dating anyone? What the big deal? But the questions come, like they always do...Especially when my baby sister who was 19 had a baby of her own. This brought about more contemplation about my biological clock. Then as that talk subsided...my younger brother (who is 23) gets engaged! So this has aroused new reasons for my mother to phone me and say that "my grandmother" expressed concern that I was nearing 30 and wasn't married yet. It's like if you're still single and nearing 30, then you're like a lame horse that had to be put down. Just shoot me now.