Unforseen Events

Today is just one of those days when the writing isn't coming easy.

I have all of these ideas running about like bumper cars in my head but every time I try to put finger to keyboard, my fingers go to jello and the keyboard starts hovering in mid-air.

No one could be expected to work in such conditions so the obvious answer is that for my own safety I will have to refrain from further exertion. One cannot walk through life with jello fingers after all. It just isn't practical.

First Kiss

For most people, I think that first kiss is something that's looked forward to with great enthusiasm and anticipation.

I am not most people.

For me, the impending act was more terrifying than the prospect of being caged alongside a lion who'd missed his lunch.

Maybe it wouldn't have been as scary if I had done more in the way of preparation, like practicing on my hand the way I'd seen other girls do. As it was, my only lessons came from watching daily Soap Operas. I'd scrutinize every kissing scene, carefully constructing a mental check list. Okay, you tilt your head like this and close your eyes when he does this...wait, is he supposed to swallow your face like that?

When the big moment came, I was so nervous that I was literally sick to my stomach. We were sitting in the movie theater and I had just applied a coat of cherry flavored chapstick when Brian leaned over and asked if he could borrow a bit of chapstick for himself. Being the innocent girl that I was, I proferred the tube which he promptly ignored as he leaned in and pressed his lips against mine.

My first thought was "It's happening, it's really happening!!!"

My second thoughts were, "Oh god, what am I supposed to do?! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??!!!!"

All that careful note taking had flown right out the window and I was left in a panicked state. "Do I try to match up my bottom lip with his top lip? Oh no, he's pressed up against my nose...I can't breathe, I'm going to die! Wait! What was that? Was that his tongue? Ewwwwww!!! That is absolutely disgusting! Is he even allowed to do that? I am NOT sticking my tongue in his mouth! He can forget that right now."

I am pleased to say that fortunatley, like a fine wine...kissing has greatly improved with age.

The Da Vinci Disaster

I decided not to wait until Friday to post my review of "The Da Vinci Code" since I know a lot of people were curious about the movie. Let me just say, if you've never read the book, there is a very real chance that you may find the movie to be ok...but for those of us who did read the book...the movie is a FAR cry from being as entertaining...and it's also too damn long and drawn out.
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2 Stars

Film adaptations are notorious for failing to live up to the novels they were based on and “The Da Vinci Code” is no exception. While the book itself propels readers along a thrilling, hunting expedition of sorts, the movie version simply takes your money and kicks you off the bus. I went in expecting a suspenseful tale of history, puzzles and intrigue…what I got was a mind-numbingly dull scavenger hunt. It’s too bad really. They had the opportunity to deliver a huge summer blockbuster and instead they served up Tom Hanks in one of the most lack luster roles of his career.

Old and Crochety

When did I become old and crochety?

It seems to have just snuck up on me. There was no warning...it just suddenly appeared one day with a triumphant, "SURPRISE!!!!"

I was out jogging the other day when I noticed two younger joggers (I would guess they were about 18) approaching from ahead. My lips pursed in a thin line of disapproval as they flaunted their thin, tan bodies in itty bitty shorts and jog bras. I on the other hand was left feeling slightly more frumpy in my jogging pants and t-shirt.

As they passed by, I found myself unconsciously sucking in my stomach and holding my breath until I had passed a safe distance. God forbid they should see any fat jiggling or hear me panting like a fat cow. As it was, I was trying to muster as much dignity and nonchalance as could be managed when one was suffering from sweaty, blotchy skin and hair that was sticking every which way.

I'm giving myself the old 'eye roll' now. They're young, let them have their fun. I used to be like that once...

Quick Quick

I'm afraid that Father Time has flown the coup and time is running amuck.

Therefore I haven't the time to post as I'd like and the baby is coming to spend the night...so Aunt Linny is trying to put up all her breakables before grubby little fingers find them.

In the meantime, here is this week's review of "Poseidon"....this weekend I'll be reviewing "The DaVinci Code." I can't wait...the book was great.

Movie Review

Worry and Doubt

Does anyone else wonder if there really is such a thing as 'happily ever after'?

In books and movies, we're inundated with stories of romance and passion and promises of forever...but what about in reality?

I've begun to find myself plagued by worries and doubts. Their darkness spindling along the walls of my thoughts, pressing against the now fragile door protecting what's left of my faith.

It seems that no matter how tightly I hold the handle or how many blankets I stuff along the cracks...I can still feel them seeping in, sticking to my skin.

I fight because I want the happy ending, I want passion and I want romance. But I'm getting tired...and I'm not sure how much more fight I have within me.

For the Boys

And to be fair...we've got to give the boys a little something to look at too. So, these are the top 5 women I think are the most attractive. Seems my preference in dark haired and dark eyed men bleeds over into my preference for women as well. I promise to write a proper post tomorrow...

Kate Beckinsale

Catherine Zeta Jones
Jennifer Garner

Selma Hayek
Nicole Kidman

A Filler

I'm exhausted and in no mindset to write a proper post. So instead...let me introduce my idea of eye candy...enjoy. (*Sigh* now you know my type of man...laid back and a little scruffy. The scruff is sexy.)

David Beckham

Colin Farrell

Josh Lucas

Matthew McConaughy

Hugh Jackman

PANIC!!!!

OH HOLY FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I need a pill or a drink...oh fuck...just give me both.

This is not good. Not good at all.

Okay...calm down Linny. Really...maybe no one ever noticed...maybe none of your neighbors have ever bothered to look up. Right. Maybe each and every one of them suffers from night blindness. Yes...that's it. Night blindness. (*Mental note: Must ask Dr.G to explain full scope of said infliction....strictly for educational purposes of course.*)

Some of you may recall an old post recounting my horror at discovering that the blinds in my bedroom are hopelessly translucent at night. Which inadvertently resulted in nightly strip shows on my part until I caught on.

Obviously I have since made sure that I change elsewhere. However, what I failed to wrap my brain around before now is that my BED is smack dab in front of the HUGE window. So apparently I am not only guilty of putting on strip teases...I have also managed to solidify myself a position in the porn industry.

I suppose my only consolation is that my show is currently on hiatus with no immediate plans to return to filming at this time.

Ugh...WHERE IS MY DRINK???!!!!

If anyone needs me, I'll be shopping for curtains...

Snuffed Out

Before we can move forward, we have to start with a confession.

*Hangs head*

In the past I have been known to roll my eyes, jab my finger about and perhaps even snarl a bit when the words 'MySpace' were uttered. My loathing was unwavering...until that night, two months ago when I found myself being abducted. A bag was thrown over my head, muffling my screams of protest and pain before everything went black. When I regained consciousness, I found myself in a dark, dank room...panic rising in my chest as I tested the bonds anchoring me to a heavy wooden chair.

It was in that room...with the theme song from "The Facts of Life" playing in the background...that I was coerced, brainwashed and beaten down. They took my loathing and disgust for MySpace and squashed it as if it were no more than a bug beneath their shoe. They made me...they FORCED me...to open a MySpace account.

I did as they asked...and now I've been found out. God help me...I've been found out.

The Game

There are times in life when we all get thrown a few curve balls.

Sometimes they get kind of lobbed over halfheartedly, giving you time to bob and weave...bob and weave.

Other times, they're pitched at high speed and your only options are to either dive face first into the dirt or spend an obscene amount of time nursing a fractured skull.

Either way, it's an inevitability that at some point in your life, you'll find yourself face to face with the little fucker responsible for calling open season on your head. And when that times comes I hope you dust yourself off, march right up...and spit in his eye.

It's time to bring this season to a close.

A Darker Shade of Gray

Do I feel like writing?

No, not particularly. But at the urging of various e-mails and comments....I'm here. A little dazed and out of focus...but here nonetheless.

I guess no one ever said that life was going to be easy but what they failed to mention was that it was going to be filled with bumps and bruises, stubbed toes, paper cuts, headaches, curse words and water retention. Not to mention sorry ex-boyfriends, worthless former friends, clinically insane neighbors and demonically possessed employees.

I guess it's just one of those minor details that parents forget to let us in on. Advice that should have been sandwiched in sometime between the "sex talk" and the "proper use of credit cards ."