Ugh!

STRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reunion tomorrow.

Two zits have popped up overnight and I'm currently doing damage control.

Have not settled on what top to wear.

While fiddling with the postage machine at work today I have now gotten red ink all over my newly manicured nails.

Woke up with sore throat and swollen glands.

Must come up with witty response to question, "Are you married?"

Must come up with good back story that sounds more interesting than I work for a doctor (or in Cathy's case, she works with pigs.) Our current plan is to spread the word about the book we've co-written. "It's in the last phases of editing and we'll be shopping it around to publishers within the month. " (Not a total lie. We are writing a book and eventually we will be shopping it around.)

You talkin' to me?

Cathy and I were strolling along this cute little strip of boutiques when this guy wearing sunglasses comes walking towards us and motions to the store we just came out of. He's a little gruff but he says, "Hey, did you just come out there?" Of course, I'm wondering, 'why the hell do you care?' but instead I say, "Oh yes...we did." By this time he is right in front of us and we slowed our steps, assuming he had more questions. He, however walks straight past us without so much as a nod. I turned around and realized that he had been addressing his kids who were standing right behind us. Ooops. I was mortified! Cathy burst into a fit of giggles and I pushed her into a bush.

Attack of the Killer Girdle

Okay...promise not to laugh. Cathy and I had the bright idea to try on various monsterous girdles in an attempt to hide that extra 5 lbs and look extra fabulous at the reunion. Little did we know that this was a treachorous undertaking...had we known, we would have fled Victoria Secret at high speed.

We carefully select a variety of bulge hiding items and made our way to the dressing rooms. First item...looks like something of a tube top but it is very stiff and only slightly elastic and made to fit around your middle so it seems that you have a smaller waist. I turned it over and over in my hands. Hmmmm. No hooks, no zipper...how to put this on...the only option left was to pull it on. But then you wonder, do you pull it on from the top or the bottom? I've never worn one of these things...I hadn't a clue. I looked at the girdle and looked at my bottom...there was no way it was going to fit over that. Then I looked at my boobs and had serious doubts the girdle would fit over them either but I decided that since I was already in the dressing room, half naked, it was worth a shot. I pulled it over my head and got my arms through but as I was working it past my shoulders the stupid thing flipped up and over so that it was now inside out, covering my face and forcing my arms to be stuck straight up in the air, over my head. *sigh* This is not what I had in mind. I then had to spend the next 5 minutes wiggling myself free while I heard Cathy bumping into walls of the dressing room next to me before she finally said, "Ummm, Linny. I think I'm stuck..."

Life can be so cruel....

I am currently experiencing a certain 'loathing' for all happy couples. Not to offend those of you who are currently in happy, healthy relationships...just know that if I pass you on the street...I'm sending you evil, telepathic thoughts. If I have to be single and slightly bitter...so should everyone else. *sigh* Okay...so it's not a perfect world and there is no way everyone is going to spontaneously break-up (at least until I finally get a super power).

During lunch Saturday, everyone was sitting in the grass chatting and I couldn't help but notice that all of these really young girls had these HUGE rocks on their fingers. What were they doing to achieve that kind of status...where are they meeting these guys and why haven't I found one? Not that I need a huge rock...at this point, I'd be happy with just getting some play...

10 Reasons...

10 Reasons why I'd like to be a man:

1. You can pee outside with ease
2. Guilt free sex
3. No Period or PMS
4. It's socially acceptable to walk around topless
5. You can wear slacks and be dressy OR casual
6. No morning sickness
7. Can have lots of sex and not be called a slut
8. Not have to shave EVERYWHERE, everyday...guys have it so easy
9. Can walk around in rumpled clothes,unshaven and not be asked if you have PMS
10.Don't have to constantly worry about birth control

10 Reasons why I wouldn't like to be a man:

1. Not comfortable with peeing in front of strangers
2. Being responsible for doing the "asking out" all the time
3. Body hair
4. Having your *ahem* 'business' in such a vulnerable place
5. Going bald
6. Performance anxiety
7. Accidental wood
8. Being expected to be 'tough' in a confrontation, I'd want to run away screaming like a girl.
9. Having to deal with emotional women
10. Beer bellies

I swear I'm not making this up

I was just digging through my old e-mails, deleting ones I no longer wished to keep when I ran across a few from this German guy I met a year or two ago. We met at this big convention in California and hit it off right away. He was 10 years older than me but I didn't care, he had that sexy German accent (he and a colleague were here from Munich)and he was really funny. We spent some time together before we all had to go home but not much happened except a little making out. We exchanged e-mails for a short period of time but then he told me that "he'd kept some strands of my hair that he had found." At first I thought I had read it wrong...I reread the sentence. No...I read it correctly. Ewwwwwwww. At first I tried to rationalize it and thought...well maybe it's like when some people keep movie stubs... But once he told me that "he took them out whenever he thought of me." I freaked out and stopped all communication. HOW SICK IS THAT!!!! HE KEPT MY HAIR!!!!

Secret Enemies

By definition, a secret enemy is someone that you don't know well, you most likely don't even know their name but by god you can't stand them and you would like to see them humiliated in the most public place imaginable.

I have two secret enemies. The first is a girl at my gym. I see her everyday and everyday I hate her more. She walks in, in her short skirts, tight shirts with her long legs and blond hair and every guy stops and stares as she makes her way to the locker room. We've never spoken but she walks around with her nose in the air and wears work out clothes that are so tight that I'd swear she bought them in the children's section

She spends more time flirting than she does working out. She smiles coyly and bats her eye lashes at every guy that passes by in hopes that one will drift her way. They always do. She'll wink at them, then oh so casually rest a hand on their arm, then she'll throw her head back as she laughs at something they've said. I hate her most.

My second enemy is the little man at the corner gas station. Every morning before work I stop in and buy a soda and every morning he looks at me like he wishes I were dead. He has NEVER spoken to me. I try to smile and say good morning but he refuses to express more than a frown. He rings up my drink, silently gives me my change and then pretends I don't exist. We play this game everyday. At first I thought maybe it was because he wasn't a morning person so I made a visit in the afternoon. Same response. Now I wish him many, many papercuts.

Mechanical Pencil

Is it possible to kill yourself with a mechanical pencil? This "short" week has been HELL so far. Yesterday, I screwed up and managed to royally piss the doctor off for the entire morning. I was just easing back into his good graces today when the front office girls suddenly forgot they even had a brain and REALLY fucked up big time. But who gets in trouble for this...that's right. Shit rolls down hill, so the doctor spent 20 minutes chewing me out for the" incompetance of the staff and I had better set them straight. He's tired of the bullshit." My response..."Yes sir. I'll take care of it." I want to put my head on the desk and cry today...but not before I kill the someone.

Drink Ho

Apparently they do exist. My friends and I were at a bar recently and one of the guys noticed a cute girl a few seats down from us. He caught her eye and smiled and she smiled back. Ever so often he would look over again and she'd keep smiling at him, acting coy...definetly giving him the green light. (I was watching this with great amusement by the way...I'd never been on the boy's end before.) So he tells the bartender to get her another drink and put it on HIS tab. The bartender obliges and gives the girl another Cranberry and Kettle One. Now here's the tricky part. She then accepts the drink, smiles...and when he starts to walk over...she walks away, disappearing into the crowd. Making him feel like an ass in front of his friends.

Now, I think there is a sort of unspoken rule about this thing but you can tell me if I'm wrong. I feel that if you're smiling and acting flirty to a guy and he drops $7 on a drink for you and you ACCEPT it...then you are obligated to give him at least 5 minutes of your time. Even if you keep it as short as giving a brief introduction and then thanking him for the drink and say you have to meet your friends. Is that asking too much? But to just walk off without a backwards glance...it's cold and it makes you a Drink Ho.

By golly!

Hold on, wait a minute...yep...almost...here it comes...yes...by george I think we've got it!!! After all my interviewing (again) I think we have found a winner. Finally! It's only been 3 days but so far I'm very pleased with our new employee. If only she knew how many people I'd gone through to get her...damn. You would not believe the last couple of interviews I had...

1. One had a lazy eye and fang like teeth...very distracting and scary.
2. One woman had some sort of nervous tick and she kept winking at me with her right eye. Very peculiar.
3. Another girl looked like she'd straight up walked over from the trailor park. She was a big girl, wearing white jeans and a neon pink shirt that were both 5 sizes too small. I saw more bulges and boobs than I cared to for. Not to mention the black roots and bleach blond ends.
4. Some crazy woman called to ask if we were still interviewing for the position and when I said yes, she says to me..."Well tell me about it and I'll decide if I want it." Excuse me? I muttered, "It's a back office position, Mon thru Fri." She says, "Well, I'm ONLY available by appointment and my schedule is full this week so you'll have to work something out." What balls this woman has!!! I just smiled into the phone and said, "I have no intention of working anything out. It's just too bad for you." Click. Smart ass biatch.

On a side note, one of the new girls my boss hired is about to drive me nuts. We have discussed at length my inability to cope with morning people. This girl...well, she admitted that she drinks and ENTIRE pot of coffee by herself each morning and by the time she gets to work, she is so freakin' wired that she can't stand still. My biggest problem is her mouth. She talks 90 to nothing and follows you around the building chatting in your ear. This morning I wanted to turn around, put my hand over her mouth and tell her to shut up or I'd have to do it for her.

On a side side note (he he), I managed to give myself a paper cut on the eye today. Very painful. Good thing I work for an eye doctor.

I think I squished a caterpillar...

I'm grumpy.
Am I wearing a sign today that says "kick me while I'm down...repeatedly" ?
I'm covering for one of the employees that is on vacation this week, so I have double the paperwork, double the phone calls, double the headaches. At any given point today, my desk was literally COVERED with various stacks of papers and charts that I was trying to work through. But just as I would get started on something, someone would walk in my office and say, "Linny, you have a pre-op... Linny, the Dr. needs you to schedule this test... Linny, there's someone up front who has a question about Lasik... Linny, there's a guy on the phone who has a question about his bill... Linny, can you proofread this letter for me... IT NEVER STOPPED!!!!

At one point, The Psycho Bitch walked in as I was settling down to finish a letter I'd started writing 2 hours ago and she says "Ooops. I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were doing anything in here. I was coming to see if you were busy." *Inner diaglogue* "Do I look busy you over bleached over permed moron?!!! Can you not see the piles of paper on my desk...or are you not only stupid but blind too?" *What I really say* " Yes, I'm busy but I will get back with you later." As she walks out of my office I find myself considering throwing the stapler at the back of her head. "Ooops. I'm sorry, it just slipped out of my hands. "

As soon as the clock struck 5:00pm I haul tailed it out the door and came home...to you people...the only good thing about the day. Unfortunately, as I was getting out of my car I realized I'd run over a caterpillar. Awwww...I'm sorry Mr. Caterpillar. Really I am.