Spinster War Diaries

Rise and Fall of the Spinster

2010-10-20T19:36:00.006-04:00

It's hard to believe that I've been at this blogging lark for over 5 years.

From broken hearts...to relationships...more broken hearts...kissing my way across Ireland and finding a husband. My single life may have been crazy...but at least it was funny.

Follow the journey...start HERE. That's where it gets interesting :)

Ever wonder what happens to this Spinster?

I got married and moved my blog HERE.

Adieu

2010-07-15T22:36:00.004-04:00

I have found that this year has held both the best experiences of my life and the worst.

I began the year in the best possible way…by bidding adieu to my life as a spinster.

On one breezy, spring afternoon, I laced myself into a pretty white dress…and went for a stroll.

There are some people that will tell you that getting married doesn’t feel any different, especially if you’ve already been together for a long time. But I find that I disagree. There was something about that leisurely stroll…when the world seemed to stop and Jess took my hand and asked me to be his wife, now and forevermore. In that moment, I felt the gentle shift as ‘I’ became ‘We’ and realized with certainty and great comfort that I would never again face life’s struggles alone. There is something very empowering about that knowledge…though little did I know that I would be calling upon it so soon.

When I lost my father, I found myself standing before a dark abyss of grief…teetering on the edge, staring into the vast blackness that was filled with my heartache, my anguish...my rage. There were moments when I felt like the ground beneath me was going to crumble and send me toppling in…other times I flirted with the thought of jumping in and letting the darkness consume me. Even now, with the pain still fresh and having to face my 33rd birthday in two days time without my father…I find that I am a woman come undone. The only reason I am able to continue to tell my story is because Jess trails behind me, catching the bits of me that fall away…holding them safely until sleep takes me and he can put me back together again.

He’s a good man, that husband of mine. He is also someone you know.

Nearly five years ago…I started this little blog. Can anyone remember why?

Yes, that’s right. Because of a broken heart.

It is with a bemused smile that I tell you, that the man who broke my heart and spawned this blog…is the same one who has been patiently putting me back together the last few weeks.

It is amazing what a few years apart and a lot of growing up will do for you. :o)

Alas, I never thought the day would come but my time as a spinster is officially over and therefore, it is with a heavy heart that I realize it is time to bring this blog to an end.

…Fear not! While I may have conquered the Spinster World, there’s a whole new world of adventures awaiting me as a newlywed. Please join me as I take on…The Rookie Wife Diaries

Dad's Memorial

2010-06-26T08:55:00.011-04:00

Today is my first day to catch my breath since we lost my Dad. His wish was to be cremated so we honored his wishes and held a Memorial on Tuesday. To be fair, it was the nicest one I'd ever been to...Pastor Hughes was wonderful, especially considering that we'd just met. And our family did a good job pulling together to create a slide show and a photo collage to be displayed with other pictures of Dad throughout the funeral home. I wrote his obit...finished it Father's Day morning, and then a few of us took the time to write our fondest memories of Dad, which the pastor read aloud and turned out to be pretty funny and bittersweet. Below is mine...it doesn't translate as well in print, it's a lot funnier when you read it aloud with a little exasperation from my end. :o) And here's the link to Dad's Obit

One of the things I loved the most about my Dad was his boundless enthusiasm for things in life. Some men are into cars, some are into sports, my Dad…well, he loved his boat. And when I say he loved it, I mean he LOOOOVED it. Like if my mom were to ever give him an ultimatum and say it’s either me or the boat, he might actually take a minute to think it over! It seemed like every time I came to the house he’d catch me before I got in the door, eager to show off the new toy or gadget he’d bought for it. Eyes shining and full of excitement he’d say, “Did you see the new seat I bought for the boat? Come look!” Before I could open my mouth to respond, he was already dragging me across the yard-and with a flourish of his arms that would make even the “Price is Right” girls proud, he’d puff up his chest with pride and say, “So…what do you think?!”

“It’s nice Dad.”

“Nice? Are you getting a good look at it?”

“Yeah I can see it fine, but it’s just a seat…”

“What do you mean just a seat? Do you know how long it took me to find this online? Here, you just need to climb up and get a feel for it.”

“Dad, I don’t want to climb up there.”

“Sure you do, come on!” And with that, I was yanked up into the boat and unceremoniously plopped down onto the seat. And I couldn’t help but to laugh because the look on his face told it all…he was supremely confident that once my butt hit that cushion, I would be as excited and giddy as he was.

Then, if it wasn’t the seat that had him grinning like a fool, it was the new trolling motor. Lord I think we actually heard about that one for DAYS!!! At one point I remember him even breaking out the owner’s manual at the dinner table and reading to us from it, telling us all the cool things he could do, especially with the little remote that strapped to his wrist like a watch.

But…that was Dad. It never took much to make him happy…he was just naturally excited and fulfilled by life. Whether it was something as small as a new boat seat or the 15 minutes of time he got me all to himself while trying to convince me my butt was much comfier in this seat than in the last…those were the things he cherished most. My father was an amazing Dad and Grandfather and I will ALWAYS carry the picture in my heart of his huge grin and the sheer happiness and excitement that radiated from him when he had us all together.

And if he were still here right now, I would gladly climb onto that boat seat with no complaints and tell him that it was the most amazing seat I had ever laid eyes on….

Daddy

2010-06-18T17:57:00.005-04:00

Today has been the worst day of my life. My dad died unexpectedly early this morning.

I feel like I'm crumbling into a million little pieces...

I'm so sorry Daddy...

Some Possible Titles

2010-06-13T16:57:00.002-04:00

Ok guys...so far here are a couple of possible titles for the new blog. So I need your feedback. Which you like or if there is another altogether that you suggest....lemme know.

The Flip Side of Spinster

The Ex-Spinster War Diaries

Memoirs of a Coupled Gal

or...here's a few versions of one suggestion:

Adventures of a Rookie Wife
Diaries of a Rookie Wife
Tales of a Rookie Wife
The Rookie Wife Diaries

Need Your Brilliance

2010-06-12T10:10:00.002-04:00

Ok, so the game plan is that hopefully this whole insurance settlement nightmare should be settled by the end of the month. Again...hopefully. And once that is tucked away I will buy my new laptop and get started on various endeavors, one being a return to the blog world.

But with this return comes a possible and difficult change. I'm not a spinster anymore. So it doesn't seem fitting to write under the same title...so I think a change may be in order.

Here's where you come in.

I need help thinking of a new title. I've done the jilted, single girl thing. Now I'm moving on to a fresh chapter of being newly married and the discoveries and adventures of this new life. But what do I call it?

Come on my brilliant friends...help. :o)

My Poor Foot

2010-06-05T12:16:00.008-04:00

Feel free to overlook the fact that I need to repaint my toe nails. Though in fairness, I haven't been able to bend or touch my foot to pretty them up. So here you go-purple, swollen and unattractive. This is now one week post ass busting. Poor foot..... :o)

And yes yes...I know I have long monkey toes. :o) My dad used to call me that all the time growing up. I still pick things up off the floor with my toes when I'm too lazy to bend over. LOL

Limping But Still Here

2010-06-03T17:30:00.003-04:00

Hey guys...I'm still here. Just dealing with so much crap right now with all the car stuff that I've not been in much of a mood to write. It's amazing the number of things one incident can cause. One minute things are fine, next you're worrying about money, finding another car, dealing with stress, dealing with doctors and bills. Grrrrrr.

It looks like things are starting to fall into place though so that's a positive sign. I finally got a new car...a super cute, black 2010 Honda CRV so I'm happy about that. Finally negotiated a settlement with the insurance company for my car (that was a nightmare) and got the written offer yesterday. So that should be wrapped up very soon hopefully...we could really use the money to cover costs of the new one and whatnot. And I've recently sent them all my stuff for the medical portion so hopefully we can get that ball rolling. Not sure what I'm supposed to ask for, I think my boss said you start by taking the amount of all your doctor bills and multiplying it by 3? So if anyone has insight into that portion I would be greatly appreciate it.

To top things off, I slipped on some rocks last weekend and twisted the hell out of my ankle. I can finally walk on it again but it's still swollen in places, turning purple in places because of the bruises and has a tendency to go numb in places too. Sigh. If it's not one thing it's another.

But all that aside, I do love being married. There are things I've had to adjust to which I'm sure will be good for blog fodder later (like having to 'talk about and discuss' everything with finances and purchases. Sigh. I get it but it doesn't mean I have to like it.) And I've found some creative writing classes that are online but I've heard good things about them and there are no 'in-classroom' courses offered near me so it's my only real option but I'm excited about it! And as soon as we get the settlement squared away, there's a laptop I've had my eye on so that I can finally write or blog whenever I want. Right now I'm using Jess' computer but he needs it at night for work so that's another reason I've not been able to write.

So BOO to the bad things that have happened...but YAY for all the good that is coming up!

Never Fails

2010-05-12T17:17:00.003-04:00

So I had all these great plans to start blogging something fierce this week ya know. I'm all excited, throwing around ideas for posts...then I got brought back down to earth real quick.

Saturday I was stopped and waiting to turn left into my subdivision when a big ass Dodge Ram slams into the back of my little Honda Civic at full speed. The fella just kept saying, I'm sorry...I didn't see you. I'm sorry. Funny he didn't see me because I'd been sitting there long before he got anywhere near me...the truth is that someone was off in la la land and wasn't paying attention until it was too late. So my car spins in a 180 from the impact, causing my head to slam into the seat belt thing on the car panel...which resulted in a nice laceration and long story short, my car is totaled and I have 3 staples in the side of my head. Sigh. But it could have been worse.

So now I am in a rental car. The police report just became ready today and now I'm trying to get his insurance company to bother themselves with returning my phone call...and simultaneously car shopping. Soooooooooo. My super duper return to the blog world is going to be ever so slightly delayed. But it WILL happen!

Off to find a doctor to who will take these staples out of my head Friday so I don't have to go back to the ER. And for those of you who commented on my wedding pics on the photographers blog...thank you!! I am only 2 comments away from getting 6 free pictures so you guys are awesome! Thanks!!

Honeymoon Pictures

2010-04-27T06:00:00.018-04:00

So we honeymooned in Key West and it was FABULOUS! :o) Here's a few pictures from the trip. Forgive me and my freckly face sans make up. Jess and I had a really great time. Visited Hemingway's house, the pirate museum, evening ghost tours of the city, ate ice cream on the pier, went to the beach...did lots and lots of stuff. Now that the wedding planning is behind me, let me get caught up with work this week and I will be back to do some proper blogging. Enjoy!

More Wedding Pictures

2010-04-25T10:52:00.013-04:00

Sneak Peek

2010-04-19T09:07:00.008-04:00

Last Post as a Spinster

2010-04-11T08:11:00.002-04:00

My little wedding widget informs me that in exactly 6 days, I will be a Mrs. Am I nervous? YES! And the nerves get worse every day...but not why you may think. I am excited beyond measure to marry Jess and there is not an ounce of doubt in my soul that says I shouldn't. The nerves are with the inevitable fact that for an entire day...all eyes will be on me and I will be the center of attention. For someone who usually prefers to remain behind the scenes and under the radar, the knowledge that I will be thrust front and center...scares the hell out me.

This will be my last post before the wedding as my free time is slim to none now and we're leaving Thursday afternoon to head to the wedding location. I'm sure we'll spend Friday helping to set up for the rehearsal dinner and putting centerpieces and favors together. If you guys want to see pictures early...you should send me a friend request on Facebook! Just email me at:
linnyspinster @ gmail.com (without the spaces) and I'll send you my info to find me or you can send me yours...whatever.

I had my final dress fitting last week and get to pick it up Monday or Tuesday...it looks great and I got one that has the corset back because I just think those are very sexy. :o) And we went and got our marriage license Wednesday....so that really put things in perspective and made it real! I'm ever so slightly panicky because my face has been clear for months, but now 6 days before the wedding, I'm breaking out and pro-active isn't doing the job it should! I'm now drinking so much water that I'm sure I could float down the aisle! Sigh. Just my luck.

Anyway, so I guess that's all from me. I'll be back in a few weeks...wish me luck!

It's All Come Down to This

2010-04-02T05:14:00.010-04:00

Believe it or not, your beloved spinster will be getting married in 15 days. Shocker right?

With April 17th fast approaching, I find myself constantly running mental check lists to determine what still needs to be done. Fortunately...there isn't much. Just the minor details. We've got a lot of help from family and friends, so they're all helping to tie up loose ends and take on the tasks that I'm no good at. For instance: Song selections for the reception...if it were based on my musical tastes, it would be a boy band extravaganza. So for the safety and well being of all our guests, my soon to be sister-in-law and her husband have stepped in and taken on the task of selecting music that won't make your ears bleed. :o)

I did however pick out our first dance because it's a song that I very much love. It's cute and quirky and says exactly how I feel about Jess. It's called, "The Way I Am" by Ingrid Michaelson. If you don't know it, you should google it. I tried to post the You Tube link here but it wasn't feeling cooperative.

Let's see, because it's been so long I feel like I need to give you a sneak peek into the planning. Because it's a spring wedding, my colors are pink and green. Our wedding is in south Georgia where his family is from and we're getting married in the same church his grandparents and parents were married. The reception is at his Aunt's house because she has a beautiful, amazing southern home. With a huge yard shaded by lots of old oak trees, a huge pond that wraps around the side and back of the house and a small muscadine vineyard. His family is doing the cooking...and let me tell you, they are all amazing cooks so while we may be keeping it simple and going with finger foods and such...it will still be fantastic.

Let's see...details. My centerpieces are mason jars filled with coffee beans and pink carnations and the flowers for the food table and such are various pink and green flowers in small vintage tins. My bouquet, assuming the florist does it right, should look like this picture...minus the flowy ribbon. The cake is a 3 tiered round cake...dark pink with pale pink polka dots and is being made by a friend who is a cake decorator. She is also making Jess' grooms cake which is a super cool Atlanta Braves jersey.

The rehearsal dinner is at his grandparents house. Long tables covered in blue and white checked table clothes, nestled under the huge oak trees and surrounded by cotton fields...BBQ, brunswick stew, baked beans and whatever else his momma decides to throw in since they are doing the cooking for that also. Can't wait.

My best friend and her mom threw us an engagement party 2 weeks ago which was really cool. It was the first time our two families have really met and I was so nervous but it went off without a hitch and everyone had a really great time. I also had my bachelorette party last weekend and of course I was forced to don the silly (but mandatory) accessories of a feather tiara, veil and sash that lit up and said, "Ms. Out of control bachelorette." Sigh. Lol. They got a van and talked a guy friend into chauffeuring us around to various bars around here and Atlanta. But not before they brought out my "Big Surprise." Not a stripper. Oh no. Instead I got a huge ice penis...and it doesn't end there. You have to take shots from the big ice penis! My face has never been so red in my life. The entire bar got up and crowded around our tables with their camera phones pointed at me for the big event, yelling lewd suggestions and various words of advice. I was a good sport and took my shots like a champ and finished amid cheers and whistles before grabbing the shot glass and making everyone else take their turn at the ice penis. Good times right?

Well, I guess that about sums it up for now right? I've got my hair trial tomorrow and a final dress fitting next week...and shortly there after, it will be show time. We're heading to Key West after. I think we're flying into Miami and then driving the rest of the way so that we can see the bridges...I don't know, I left the honeymoon details to Jess since my plate runneth over. But I can't wait! This was probably more info than you guys wanted..lol. But I've been gone so long that I deemed it necessary to make it up to you with lots of detail! Hopefully I'll get the chance to write before the wedding, if not...I'll make sure to post pictures after.

Here goes nothing...

The New Year

2010-02-05T17:17:00.004-05:00

What is with the spammers here lately? Sheesh. I had to turn on my word verification for comments for the first time in years!

Anywho, I know I promised to write and I've been away. But let me just tell you, planning a wedding is no walk in the park my friend. I am constantly busy. Whether it's cutting and pasting cute little inserts for the hotel acommodations, hand addressing a bazillion invitations, or spending countless hours on the phone and internet tracking down and securing all the minor little details that go into this circus. It is work.

But it's all coming together. We are 71 days away from BINGO. Invitations went out this week and all the vendors are secured. Now we're just down to the little stuff.

I cannot wait to be married. Every day I look at him and am thankful.

He loves me and tells me so every day...even when I'm grumpy or moody.

He's thoughtful and always puts me first.

I never have to fight for his attention. He gives it to me and gladly...even if it means having to sit through American Idol.

And probably the sweetest thing of all...he always, ALWAYS opens the car door for me. Every single day. Every single time.

Yup. I can't wait.

Since You've Been Gone

2009-12-06T15:10:00.003-05:00

Or rather...since I've been gone.

Forgive the absence, there has been much going on and I've struggled with what to share and what to hold back.

Too much of my history is here, ready to haunt at a moments notice. Added to the weariness of the prying eyes that I am fully aware lurk in the shadows of blogdom.

But I did a lot of soul searching and came to the conclusion that I do not give a flying flip about the prying eyes today.

The devil with them.

My true friends...the friends that have followed this spinster and her wee little blog from the beginning, have been kept in the dark too long.

You already know that I've met THE one. You just didn't know that eleven years after we first met, he got down on one knee and asked me to be his Mrs. It's been a long time coming and we are HAPPY.

I think the events of the last couple of years really prepared me appreciate this moment even more.

We've been engaged for awhile, set to marry on April 17, 2010. I've got my dress, a church and and a man that will be waiting for me at the end of the aisle...the rest will get hashed out here soon.

I'm sorry to have kept it quiet from you dear friends but I'm glad I'm able to share it with you now.

The Day I Became a Hoodlum

2009-10-13T19:10:00.012-04:00

It never occurred to me that after 32 years without a criminal record, that I could completely blow my good girl streak without a second thought.

I blame monster trucks.

Or should I blame the kid that wants a monster truck birthday party?

Maybe I should blame all the damn stores that don't think monster trucks are a theme worthy of shelf space in their store.

Whichever way you cut it, I was feeling salty. I walked out of Party City and strode to my car muttering a string of words unsuitable for little ears. Out of ideas and more than a little grumpy, I threw my purse in the passenger seat with a little more force than necessary and sagged against the steering wheel. WHAT am I going to do now? He has his heart set on monster trucks...forget that Sissy wants pirates. Pirates aren't cool enough. Even though you get to wear eye patches and have buried treasure and ride in big, huge pirate ships and...OH SHIT. I glanced over to where my purse rested.

That...is...not...my...seatcover.

Feeling dread creep through me at a quickening pace, I glanced in the back and then quickly away before I could fully take in the image of the floral car seat behind me.

OH MY GOD...I'M IN THE WRONG CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I was out the door and three cars down before the exclamation finished reverberating throughout my body.

I cannot believe it. I just can't believe it. Oh god I hope nobody saw me...I wasn't trying to steal the car Officer, I swear. It looked exactly like mine and my beep beep key worked on it and everything. I'm just here for monster trucks...please don't haul me in!

Fighting down the panic, I bent low and shot off down the aisle until I found my for real car a few spaces down. Not wanting to wait around, I shoved my key in the ignition...slid down low...and hit the gas.

Let the record show my friends...that this is the day I became a hoodlum.

Bloggy Meltdown

2009-09-26T19:46:00.014-04:00

For some reason I just haven't been able to get my brain in blogging gear lately. My fingers are itching to stroke the keys but my brain seems to be on temporary holiday with no note stating when it will return.

Some funny things happened today so I'm going to try to work on writing those out this weekend. In the mean time, I wanted to share some pictures of how I not only how I rang in my 32nd birthday, but also marked another thing off my bucket list. HOT AIR BALLOON!!!

I did this while we were on a trip to Indianapolis in August. Also visited John Dillingers grave and got way more up close and personal with table top war playing games that I normally care to.

Smashing the Clock

2009-09-15T17:52:00.014-04:00

I remember when I started this blog four years ago. Newly heartbroken, facing the holidays and wondering how I was going to convince my grandparents that being single did not mean that I was a lesbian.

I've spent years straining to even hear myself think over the "tick tock, tick tock" that echoed within me with such ferocity that I was certain it was causing involuntary muscle spasms.

I held hope with each passing relationship that "this time" would be different. That "this one" would posses the super secret code key needed to deactivate the ticking time bomb trailing behind me.

With each failure, my hope got mushed...to the point that all that remained was a fine white dust settling around me. And I resigned myself to the fact that the things that I sought so desperately, would forever be out of my reach.

Then, 2008 swooshed in.

It knocked me on my ass, took my milk money and disappeared before I could raise the alarm.

As bruised and offended as I was...I came to be grateful. Grateful because 2009 came to the aid of a damsel in distress. He picked me up off the pavement, dusted me off...and opened the car door for me. And in the brief moment of that kind gesture I realized...the-ticking-had-stopped.

Call it an epiphany, an awakening, a sign from on high...whatever suits your fancy.

But in that moment of realization, I stopped watching the clock...and IT stopped watching me.

I have learned to appreciate what each day brings and to look forward to what lies ahead. I have learned that life is what you make of it and that the only voice in your head you should listen to is your own...(just make sure you don't answer it because otherwise people will think you are schitzo.)

And above all, I have learned that until I have my own, I can kiss and love on the sweet baby nephews and hand them back to mom when Aunt Sissy smells a poo.

The Susie Homemaker Disaster

2009-09-08T18:46:00.013-04:00

Growing up in a family where most of the meals consisted of whatever was quick and easy, I failed to acquire any real cooking skills beyond the very basics. Which, much to my chagrin, makes my current situation all the more comical.

But as my mom has said when I ask stupid questions or do stupid things, "Well how are you supposed to know, you're new at this."

New indeed. Sigh. Last week there might have been a little problem with the mixer which might have caused lots and lots of little bits of dough to fling themselves haphazardly around the kitchen and stick to every surface in a 3 foot radius. Myself included.

Then of course there was THE incident. The one where I was making dinner and took a break to check my emails. Well, let's just say it wasn't long before the distinct smell of something burning caught my nose. I was out of my chair and skidding around the kitchen corner in 2 seconds flat. Flinging open the oven door, I got a billow of hot, smelly, smoke right to the face.

See, that's when the panic set in. It wasn't from the thought or concern of if the house could have burned down. My ever increasing panic arose from trying to figure out how I was going conceal the evidence of my dinner faux pas from my significant other before he walked in the door at any moment.

First order of business was to destroy the evidence. The charred bits formerly known as dinner, found a new home at the bottom of my garbage disposal where they could never ever rat on me.

Next task was to dispatch the smoke. This required prying open each and every door and window on the lower level, not to mention an elaborate set up of fans to pump out the dense, gray clouds and usher in fresh air.

Top it all off with a healthy dousing of Febreeze and no one was ever the wiser.

All I can say is, thank god for Chinese take out.

The Return of the Spinster

2009-09-03T18:28:00.007-04:00

It's an odd sensation you know.

The feeling of keys moving beneath my fingers...words magically appearing. I can't believe I'm...blogging. Ha!

For awhile I was afraid the term, "Use it or lose it" was going to show up and stick itself to me just to prove a point. I mean let's face it. I've not posted properly in a good year or more.

I miss it.

Life got too busy for awhile. A tornado of events that I have banished to the deepest, darkest abyss a lifetime away.

The past is just that. The past...no explanation necessary.

Now...I am happy. Sickeningly happy. So happy, that I am co-habitating. *GASP!* I know, but wait it gets worse.

I cook.

(wait for it......)

And, I like it.

*HOLY HELL!!!!*

Yup, it's like you've walked into the twilight zone isn't it? I know what you're doing, you're checking the blog title aren't you? Making sure you're reading the right one, that you haven't stumbled across some awful Susie Homemaker site. It's okay. I won't hold it against you.

It's still me. I just share a closet and wield heavy cookware.

Falling From the Sky

2009-02-17T18:55:00.002-05:00

Long time readers know that my last few years have been filled with something a little less cheery than sunshine. A blizzard? Tornado? Flood? Tsunami?

I needed a release. A way to let go. A way to look in the eyes of the person(s) that caused said disaster in Linnyland and give them the finger.

So what did I do?

I threw myself out of a plane.

Literally.

For my 31st birthday, I got myself strapped to a fantastically goodlooking man, said a small prayer and threw myself into nothingness.

Lept with reckless abandon.

So what if Mr. Fantastic did a double somersault straight out the back door without warning me first. As soon as I realized that this wasn't the stupidest thing I've ever done and I wasn't going to throw up, it was pretty damn cool.

If you've never jumped out of a plane before...I liken it to diving into a swiming pool. The cold air hits you in the face and goes up your nose. You're not sure which way is up, which is down or whether you're standing on your head. But once the bubbles clear...you see the world from a whole new perspective.

There is nothing like floating thousands of feet in the air, feeling the wind wrap a protective arm around you...holding you up so you can soar through the clouds...experience long awaited freedom and drown out all the voices, all the people, all the opinions that have been stalking you. Plaguing you.

I let it all go.

Left them to fall where they may.

For one brief, magnificent window of time...I was free.

I could hear Mr. Fantastic screaming my ear. "Wooooo! Isn't this fantastic? Isn't this beautiful?" And I couldn't help but to think...yes...it is.

I don't know how long we were in the air but the green grass snuck up on us and all too soon I was gliding in...landing softly in Mr. Fantastic's lap.

I turn 32 in five months...wonder how I'm going to top that.

Someday She'll Learn

2009-02-01T16:34:00.004-05:00

I sometimes think that I am a glutton for punishment.

And right now, my sore backside is echoing that sentiment.

I had the brilliant idea to go ice skating. Me...a klutz. A girl with no coordination. A girl that runs into walls. A girl who, (completely sober) would still fail a field sobriety test of walking a straight line.

Yes, that girl (me) strapped on a pair of rental skates, threw caution to the wind and eased my way onto the ice.

It took about 2.2 seconds to realize that I had lost my mind.

There was no elegant gliding. No effortless manuvering or fancy footwork. No no...those things were replaced with cursing, stumbling, and more cursing. I resorted to clinging to the edge of the rink as if it were my life preserver, maintaining a death grip while cautiously scooting my way around the arena. Moments of panic came at points when other skaters were resting against the edge of the rink, directly ahead of me. Forcing me to let go of safety, say a quick prayer and try to glide past them to the other side.

Most of my efforts were successful. One was not. I was faintly aware of everything moving in slow motion. I felt my foot catch and my body lose balance. I remember thinking, "Oh Damn! No! No no no no no!!! Please no! Everyone's watching!" Then everything went white. Followed by the oddest sensation of feeling that while my butt was terribly cold...my face was burning with fire.

Without meeting anyone's eyes, I pulled myself up and brushed off the half pound of ice shavings that had taken hold of my clothes. Then I squared my shoulders, stuck my chin defiantly up in the air...daring anyone to snicker...and proceeded to continue stumbling my way around the ice rink.

All in all it was good fun, though it's not something I'm in a terrible hurry to try again. I think I'll just stick to rollerskating if it's all the same.

The Stars

2009-01-11T15:09:00.008-05:00

From my perch in the garden, I watched the steady stream of people moving in and out of the chapel's viewing hall...quietly wondering to myself what role they had played in my Grandmother's life. A sudden squirm against my arm brought my attention back to the four year old sharing the garden bench with me.

"Sissy?"

"Yes?" I glanced down and rubbed his blond head.

"Well, if Grandma died and went to heaven, then how come we can't see her? Where does they go when they go to heaven?"

I bit my lip and abruptly thought, Where is your mother when you ask questions like this?!

What to say? What to say? Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Fumbling, grasping for an explanation he could understand...I glanced up to the sky which had already gone dark with night...and found my answer.

I pointed upward. "Do you see that star?"

I waited for his little eyes to follow my finger and locate the twinkling light in question.

He nodded.

"Well, THAT is Grandma Pat. That's her up in heaven keeping an eye on you and see how it twinkles? That's her waving to you. So anytime you want to see her or talk to her, all you have to do is come outside at night and find the biggest and brightest star in the sky and you'll know you found her."

He looked at me, round eyed. Then to my surprise, his face split into a big smile and he waved frantically up at the dark sky shouting, "Hi Grandma. Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!"

The Bucket List

2008-10-22T21:01:00.006-04:00

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. It has been a long time my friends...for that I apologize. There are stories and explanations lingering in the outskirts but for now, let's just ease into things shall we?

This past year has brought to light the importance of 'living' life....not just living my life day to day. So, I started a Bucket List. I've only ticked off a few things so far but that just means I have lots of adventures ahead. Here's what I've got so far, (the stars are next to things I've completed).

Climb a mountain *
Go kayaking
Go sky diving *
See a drive-in movie *
Dive off a cliff into the ocean
Ride a horse along the beach
Sleep under the stars
Get Published *
Go deep sea fishing
Have my palm read
See the Statue of Liberty up close
See the pyramids
Pan for gold
Go scuba diving/snorkeling
Swim with dolphins
Ride a mechanical bull
Take a gondola ride
Go on a safari
Ride in a helicopter
Learn to play guitar
Hitch a ride on a motorcycle *
See a Broadway show
Shake hands with someone famous
Stay in the best room of a 5 star hotel
Walk the bases at Turner Field
Volunteer in a soup kitchen
Learn to drive a stick shift
Run a marathon

Go on then. What's on YOUR bucket list?

Holding Pattern

2008-08-26T18:16:00.003-04:00

August hasn't been my friend.

I don't want it to call me for dinner.

I don't want to see it at family get togethers.

It gave me chest pains and now I want to hope September is kinder.

Unsaid

2008-07-27T14:53:00.002-04:00

Today I caused great pain to someone from my past whom I care for deeply.

I just hope he knows how much it hurt me to do it. And I hope that when the hurt subsides, he will forgive me because I'm not sure that I'll be able to find forgivness within myself.

I'm sorry.

Falling

2008-07-19T19:15:00.001-04:00

Today I stood on a ledge...and jumped.

I threw myself into nothingness. Lept with reckless abandon.

I let the wind drown out all the voices, all the people, all the opinions that have been stalking me. Plaguing me.

For one brief, magnificent window of time...I let go.

I was free.

Today...I went skydiving.

And for the first time in a long time...I lived.

The Spinster's Birthday

2008-07-16T13:26:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow is my birthday.

Wonder if it's possible to just skip it this year?

Can I just say, "Excuse me, but I don't feel like turning 31 this year...so I think I'm just going to have to pass."

Wonder if that'll fly...

A Long Walk

2008-06-26T19:33:00.004-04:00

Until the other day, I didn't realize how long it had been since I last posted. I looked at the date of my last post, looked at the calender, looked at my post again. Wow, a month.

I think somewhere along the way, I just got lost. I stumbled out of the crisp black and whiteness of life and found myself planted face first in a sea of grey.

Now I'm wandering about, try to find the way home.

Wish there was an easier way.

The Blogger Confessionals

2008-05-28T18:49:00.005-04:00

There seem to be all sorts of things hiding in deep, dark corners lately.

Things that you want to share....but fear saying aloud.

So here's your chance. Hit that ANONYMOUS key and pour your heart out.

We won't tell.....

Sorry

2008-05-25T19:23:00.002-04:00

I've been such a shitty blogger lately.

Honestly, I've got SO much really good material to write about...BUT, I can't use any of it!!!!

*Bangs head on desk in frustration*

Why you ask? Because every single person involved either reads this blog, or knows someone that does. *sigh*

Maybe I should just give up blogging altogether. I've been so slack about it lately anyhow. I don't know...we'll see. Things have been really busy lately and I've been pre-occupied. So we'll see if I have a creative gush at some point or what.

Last Word

2008-05-14T22:19:00.003-04:00

Sometimes relationships end so suddenly and without warning, that the injured party is too gripped with shock to truly wrap their brain around what is happening. It seems as if you spend all of your final moments trying to make sense of what is being said...instead of saying what you really want to say.

THAT...well, that comes to mind the next day, and the next and the next and the next. Until you are kicking yourself in the ass for not asking the questions you needed answered, for not telling him your feelings about 'his decision' to turn your life upside down and for not telling him exactly what you think of him.

You know...sometimes, you just gotta have the last word.

That being said, maybe...possibly...there was an evening in the not so distance past, where I was feeling slightly more emotional than usual. And maybe, just maybe I decided to write a letter to said exboyfriend telling him precisely what I thought about him and his 'decision.'

Now, therapists will tell you...writing these things out is perfectly healthy, it's cathardic even. BUT...you're not supposed to actually send the finished project. THAT, you toss into the fire.

Unless your name is Lindsey.

Mine...yeah, it went straight into the mail. There has been no response, so I guess I got what I wanted. The last word. To be honest, it's not as fulfilling as I thought it would be but at least I finally got to have my say.

Thank You

2008-05-05T19:43:00.003-04:00

To the man who loves me even when I'm grumpy.

Who makes me smile even when I want to frown.

And who wakes up next to me with no make-up and sleepy eyes and still thinks I'm the most beautiful girl in the world.

I miss you.

Oops

2008-04-29T20:34:00.005-04:00

To the little check out man whose face turned red when I reached into my purse for my wallet and instead pulled out a pair of undies.

I am SO sorry.

Totally forgot about those.

My bad.

The Beach

2008-04-17T19:15:00.002-04:00

There is something great about spending a weekend away with the girls and relaxing on the beach.

First of all, the weather was GORGEOUS, we couldn't have asked for better. We ate, drank, poured over lingerie, and talked boys and sex.

I'd love to tell you more...but like they say, what happens at the beach, stays at the beach.

Vaca

2008-04-09T20:41:00.003-04:00

I need a break.

So I'm heading to the beach.

Sun, sand and a tan...then all will be well again.

Pear Shaped

2008-04-01T00:01:00.000-04:00

Sometimes life has a way of going all pear shaped.

One moment you're skipping along in the sunshine and the next you're floundering in a sea of uncertainty and doubt, desperate to keep your head above water and cursing yourself for having never really learned how to swim.

Each day survived was done with a friend's words in my ear. Every day you go in and you pick a task and give it your full attention. When that one's done, you move on to the next and keep going. Focus on the things you can control. And then at 5 when you walk out that door and into the world that's out of control, just keep reminding yourself to breathe.

So that's what I did.

I remembered to breathe.

In and out.

Out and in.

Counting each labored breath until the world righted itself again.

Frustration

2008-03-25T18:57:00.002-04:00

I'm drowning in it.

I've got to remember to breathe.

Breathe Lindsey...just breathe.

Evacuate? Really?

2008-03-12T19:27:00.002-04:00

There is nothing like being stirred from a semi-conscious slumber by the schreeching of smoke detectors and fire alarms.

At first I thought my pot smoking, downstairs neighbor had somehow set off his alarm while making a late night snack. But the sudden shouts from outside, let his skinny butt off the hook (he's on my naughty list for recent trumpet practice during my Idol time.)

Turns out there was a fire in the building next to ours so the courtesy officer was yelling for everyone to evacuate and gather in the courtyard. My first thought? Where the hell is my bra? Quickly followed by me pulling on a pair of pants and grumbling that an emergency WOULD have to happen when I look like absolute shit. Couldn't pick a day when I've just shaved my legs and am looking beautified...

But I digress.

Everything ended as well as it could, considering the circumstances. Most of the damage was headed off by the sprinkler system and we were given the green light to return home. Still have no idea what caused it though. But it did bring a question to light.

You have mere moments to decided what to take with you and run. Living things aside...what do you grab?

Backfired

2008-01-25T19:34:00.000-05:00

Apparently my little dance to the snow gods backfired.

I hopped about like a fool, praying for it to get cold enough to snow and freeze over...for the sole purpose of getting out of work the next day. (Ok, and yes I wanted to play in the snow.)

So the next morning, clad in my pajamas...I stumbled bleary eyed into the livingroom, fumbling with the tv remote until I found the local news. I had a sudden flash back to elementary school, sitting in front of the tv...biting my lip as I waited for them to announce the school closings, praying they'd say my school.

Twenty some odd years later and not much has changed. I waited, fingers crossed as they zoomed through the counties (if the schools are closed so is the office).

"Come on, say Frazier County...say Frazier.........Damn!!" They went right from "D" to "G". Which means...work. :o(

And not only did I NOT get a free day...but it has stayed cold as hell for the last 2 weeks. *Sigh*
Next time, remind me to save my hopping around for hopes of indoor activities.

2008-01-16T20:23:00.000-05:00

It's SNOWING!!!

Apparently my snow dance yesterday worked!

Do you think there's a dance for nookie? I don't know what I'm worried about, it won't be long now anyway.

What Were You Doing?

2008-01-10T18:42:00.000-05:00

I once heard that whatever it is you're doing at the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve carries significance for what's in store for you in the new year.

Personally, I was kind of hoping that the new year would hold a lot of sex for me. So given the afore mentioned theory, one could presume that at midnight on New Year's Eve that perhaps I had my legs wrapped around an insanely good looking man...ringing in the new year the right way.

As it were, I was in bed...and while there were visions of wild, sweaty nights...I unfortunately, was fast asleep and battling nausea.

However, I was on the phone with Pete when Big Ben struck midnight and I got to hear the New Years celebration there...so that counts right? Still no sex but I guess you can't have everything.

Quiet Night In

2008-01-07T19:54:00.000-05:00

Tell me I don't know how to show myself a good time.

I'm eating oreos with milk and watching Antiques Roadshow.

And the real kicker...I'm not watching it because it's the only thing on...I just really like the show!

Anyway, forgive my lack of posting...I promise it'll get better. Lots of things coming up that I'll get to post about. Did I mention that I was going back to England in February? Watch out!!

Hello and Goodbye

2007-12-30T11:01:00.000-05:00

This year has been a whirlwind.

I've loved and I've lost. And...I've learned to let go.

But most importantly, I'm looking forward to the new year and all of the grand things it holds for me. I've found peace and happiness in the unlikliest of places and I want to bottle it up for safekeeping. Though for now, it is neatly folded and sealed in an envelope, trekking across miles and oceans and mountains.

It's an eerie feeling to know that the fate of your future no longer lies in your hands. (At least temporarily.) So for now...we wait. But I can guarantee that most of you will be shocked right down to your knickers. :o)

When One Door Closes...

2007-12-23T17:52:00.000-05:00

Sometimes in life, things that are good for you...can also be painful.

Exactly one year to the date, I finally have closure.

It came unexpectedly and without prompts. I didn't even realize it was happening...truth be told, I think he is oblivious to my enlightenment. But no matter.

He could've loved me forever. He could've had my heart. He could've done a lot of things.

But he didn't.

So I let go.

I can feel my heart mourning the loss. But sometimes you have to walk through hell to get to heaven and I know this was just part of the journey to my happy ending. One chapter coming to a close and a new one still wet with ink.

All Mine

2007-12-18T18:04:00.000-05:00

Have you ever let something get under your skin...something that is so fantastically stupid, that you feel exasperated at yourself for feeling that way?

Yeah well, I suffered from a humiliating bout of pouting this weekend. An act so completely rediculous that I am embarrassed to even admit it.

*Sigh*

Ok, so it's like this...I learned that a man that I had dated very, very briefly this year...is now dating someone else and for some unexplained reason, I found myself a little miffed and caught off guard.

The punchline to this whole debacle is that I never really like him romantically to begin with. I have no interest in dating him now and honestly I hardly ever even talk to him. Yet, for some reason, when I found out...there was an immediate and unexpected flicker of jealousy.

Like, 'I saw him first.'

I realize it is selfish and stupid but part of me feels like I have a claim staked. And while I don't want him...I don't want anyone else to have him either.

You needn't worry...I'm entirely aware of how rediculous I sound and I'm not proud.

Lickedy Split

2007-12-11T18:50:00.000-05:00

In London last year, my best friend Cathy and I spent a fair amount of time on the Underground, where, in all fairness we were slightly wary because it was right after the train bombings in London. But you know, we're big girls so we sucked it up and everything was actually going fine until one day the gentle rocking of our train car came to a halt and we glanced up to find that our once crowded car was now empty with the exception of two odd looking, tattered suitcases sitting right across from us.

There was a quiet pause before Cathy cleared her throat. "Um, Lindsey...do you think maybe we should just get off here and grab the next train? You know...just in case."

I glanced down at the bags, "I'm sure it's nothing but yeah, maybe that's a good idea..." No sooner had the words left my mouth, that I realized I wasn't talking to Cathy, I was talking to the empty seat next to me.

I was alone.

In the car.

WITH the bags.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccckkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!

I swiveled around in my seat in time to catch a glimpse of Cathy's red hair on the other side of the window. Muttering a string of curse words, I grabbed my bag and hurried after her. I had one foot out the door when...WHAM! The train doors slammed closed on me. Leaving half of me dangling out of the train and the other half wiggling furiously on the inside. When the doors didn't re-open immediately...I started to panic.

Oh my god...is THIS how I'm going to die? Am I going to forever be known as the girl that died when her boobs got stuck in the train door?!

At get togethers people will say, do you remember Lindsey?

Lindsey who?

Lindsey...you know, that girl who got squashed to bits when her boobs got stuck on that train in London?

Oh Yeah!! THAT Lindsey! Yeah, I remember her.

So anyway, there I was, boobs squished in the door, foot dangling above the platform as Cathy tugged furiously on my free arm while I pushed, cursed and kicked with my other half...all the while secretly wishing I'd passed on that chocolate croissant at breakfast. Then, just as I'd begun to resign myself to estimating exactly how many things I'd go SPLAT against before I was knocked unconscious...the train gave an unceremonious WHOOSH and the doors released their deathgrip on my boobies and sent me tumbling to freedom.

I have to admit, despite the initial scare, it's one of the funniest stories I have to tell.

They've Gone

2007-12-06T19:01:00.000-05:00

I could feel words tumbling over each other...falling into place...weaving stories in my mind before my fingers even reached the keys of my computer.

I heard laughter.

I felt love.

Then a flash of frusteration and sadness.

And suddenly...just like that...all the words were gone.

Leaving my fingers poised above the keys...stealing away my story.

Rebellion

2007-11-24T08:10:00.000-05:00

For over 2 years I have poured my heart and soul into this blog.

I have shared my happiest moments and the moments I was at an absolute low.

This Spinster Diary has been my 'safe place.' A place where I knew I could be 100% honest about what I was feeling and not fear judgment or persecution. However, over the past year...that little wall of security has been been under attack by an adversary that has many faces. From my spot behind the wall...I can see the crack in the foundation steadily growing larger, leaving me more guarded which is something I'm sure you all have noticed.

So now, I'm left to strategize a plan of counterattack.

Do I sound a retreat...bringing this blog to an end?

Do I throw up an even bigger wall and only allow invited readers ? (Which unfortunately doesn't allow me new readers.)

Or do I let them fight their way through the wall only to come face to face with my bare bum like William Wallace in "Braveheart?"

The Thanksgiving Day That Almost Wasn't

2007-11-22T08:09:00.000-05:00

My father tried to cancel Thanksgiving (thank god my mother nixed it.)

I might have been more understanding about his wanting to use the long weekend to take my mom on a trip...but this is how he broached it.

"Hey Face!" (My nickname, he never calls me Lindsey.) "Hey, I was talking to all the kids about maybe not having Thanksgiving this year and I wanted to see what you thought of it. None of the others seemed to really mind. Katie is going to her boyfriend's family's house and the boys will go to their girlfriend's family's house....so...that just leaves you with nowhere to go. I mean, I can buy you a turkey if you want."

Buy me a turkey indeed!!!!

H-E-L-P....puh puh puh pleaseeeeee

2007-11-16T18:12:00.000-05:00

I can't be certain.

But I think my job is trying to kill me.

Anything that works you so hard that you've fallen asleep on the couch everynight before 8:30pm, can't have your best interests at heart.

Especially when it causes you to miss your standing Thursday night date with Dr. McDreamy.

:o(

The Lightswitch

2007-11-06T19:12:00.000-05:00

Men claim to be simple creatures.

I believe this to be highly suspect.

I have found that they are just as confusing and complex as any woman...sometimes even moreso.

For instance...men are masters of the 'Lightswitch.' A dark and evil trait which I have yet to fully understand but have nonetheless fallen victim to. It is the uncanny ability to change behavior or turn feelings on and off at the flick of a switch without ever batting an eye.

One day they want to marry you, the next day they deliver the most insulting and painful blow...you cease to exist.

It's as if they permanently erased you from their memories...while you are left wondering how it is that you are so easily forgettable.

I'm telling you people....c-o-m-p-l-i-c-a-t-e-d.

Bittersweet

2007-11-02T18:20:00.000-04:00

I've grown accustomed to the fact that things don't always turn out the way I planned and I've become adept at making quick decisions when the road ahead takes a sharp, unexpected turn.

But even now, equipped as I am with all of my hard learned survival skills...I find myself caught off guard, watching my heart override the emotions I had thought were already in line to handle the situation.

There was a time when I wanted certain others to feel the very hurt and despair that they had gifted upon me. I hoped and prayed for it as my body racked with sobs and my heart nearly ceased its beating.

I wanted the revenge and satisfaction in knowing that they were hurting as much as I had.

But that's not how it has happened.

Instead of vindication, my heart filled with care and compassion and I find myself desperately seeking a way to fix the hurt and I don't know why.

The Butterfly Effect

2007-10-30T19:56:00.000-04:00

In a time where love can be as puzzling as a complex mathematical equation, it seems necessary for those venturing into the world of dating to be equipped with some sort of quick reference guide.

A 'go to' for the dating impaired.

You know, a translator for those who can't read the signs.

For instance, the question on the table is...butterflies.

With some relationships you feel the butterflies in the pit of your stomach turning you topsy turvy and every which way but up. While in others...they sleep quietly without so much as a flutter.

Are those little butterflies indicators for the amount of love and excitement you have for someone?

And can you love the sleepy ones just as much as the ones that have you turned on your head?

This is when cliff notes would be handy.

Looking Glass

2007-10-25T18:55:00.000-04:00

Some days I feel like Alice having just stepped through the looking glass.

I peek out my window at a world that's turned topsy turvy.

Where the clocks have grown legs and want to run away from you.

Where you're not sure what day it is and you're too tired to care.

And where you're certain everyone has gone mad.

The Green Eyed Monster Made Me Do It

2007-10-11T19:19:00.001-04:00

His computer is on...you know he stays logged into his email. Hmmmmmm. No, no you shouldn't do that...that would be wrong. You tap your fingers on the desk, staring at the screen...no, no I'm not going to be that girl. You bite your lower lip, your fingers tapping faster...Well, what if you just used his computer for something else, you know, like to get the latest scoop on Kevin and Britney...there's no harm in that right? So what if you accidentally hit the wrong button and Oooops, up pops his email inbox. It was an accident right...but while you're there...who in the hell is....??????

Jealousy is powerful...almost like a drug. One that most of us have tussled with at least once and probably were driven to do it's bidding.

It's bidding, meaning something spectacularly stupid and idiotic. Something we would never do in our normal, well adjusted lives. *wink-wink*

Now, I'm sure we've all learned from our growing pains (I hope) but come on... I want to hear about the stupidest things the Green Eyed Monster has driven you to do...and if you feel better, you can do it anonymously. :o)

The Little Things

2007-10-07T15:08:00.001-04:00

Some women want wealth and gain.

All I want...are tiny stolen moments.

Saturday mornings eating cereal in our pajamas, washing the car, wrestling over the remote...

Those memories are worth more than any amount of money.

The Great Shoe Caper

2007-10-02T19:04:00.000-04:00

Something is amiss.

Single shoes are popping up on roadsides everywhere I turn. Here's a shoe, there's a shoe...everywhere I see a shoe.

Tennis shoes, work shoes, slip on shoes...every kind of shoe.

The only thing they have in common is that there is never a pair. It's always one lone shoe.

Perhaps there is a shoe uprising? A coup? And the Right couldn't convince the Left to join in...but then, isn't that always the case? :o)

HNT

2007-09-27T06:38:00.000-04:00

I normally don't participate in HNT but since I'm still chasing down escapees...I figured 'what the hell.'

Happy HNT everyone!

Oh and as a side note, our very own Pete will be visiting in just over 2 weeks! He's got haunted houses and roadtrips galore to look forward to...

I've Sprung a Leak

2007-09-24T21:20:00.000-04:00

It's true. All those creative bits that bounced around in my head have made a run for it. So here I am, throwing myself at the ground full force in an attempt to capture them before they wriggle free again.

I WILL PREVAIL!!!

Just bear with me while I track the little fuckers down. :o)

Sooooo Busy

2007-09-18T17:49:00.000-04:00

To bide me time in regaining my sanity and to save you from boredom...a rerun. But one that will make you smile and make me cringe with embarrassment:

When I stopped by the library to drop off some books Saturday, I noticed they had a big sign outside that said, "Book Sale Downstairs." So I walked through the main foyer over to the open elevator door and breezed in, barely glancing at a sign taped outside of the door.

I settled in and pressed the button for the basement. Nothing happened. I pressed basement floor again...and again, nothing happened. I could feel my face growing red as a few people watched me from the other side of the library. With my dignity on the line, I made a command decision. I pressed the "Close Door" button and figured if it wasn't going to really take me down I could at least hole up for a minute, then hit the "Open Door" button and walk out as I pleased, allowing people to think I'd gone down but returned when I hadn't found what I was looking for.

This seemed brilliant until the doors actually closed and I suddenly remembered the sign outside of the elevator. I had a vague recollection of the words "Don't use" and "Elevator" but damned if I could remember the rest. I closed my eyes and banged my head against the wall. Fuck. What if I'm stuck in this god forsaken box simply because of my pride?

I briefly imagined the beating my dignity was going to take when my rescue by the fire department was broadcast on the five o'clock news. I can just hear the television reporters now, "Ms. Spinster, exactly how was it that you came to be stuck in the elevator? Wasn't there a clearly posted sign that read 'Do not use elevator'? Can you read Ms. Spinster or were you here for their Adult Literacy Program?"

As a last ditch effort to save what was left of my dignity, I said a quick prayer and once again pressed Basement. It wasn't until the elevator actually dinged and lurched downwards that I realized that I had been holding my breath. Within seconds the car came to a stop and hesitantly opened its doors to reveal the Basement floor. I bolted out of the car and made a mad dash back up through the stairwell. I would be damned if I was getting on that elevator again. I paused outside of the exit and collected myself, then ever so cooly, I walked through the door and past the elevators, allowing myself a good look at the sign which actually read, "Do not use elevators in the event of a fire."

Still

2007-09-12T19:05:00.000-04:00

You're right...a tiny, shadowed corner of my heart misses you too.

Yet I'm still reaching blindly into the inky blackness.

Not sure where the light will find me.

Kryptonite

2007-09-06T19:35:00.000-04:00

Men have powers.

Not the invisibility or flying kind.

Instead they seem to wield another power...one that influences feelings of great happiness, despair and anger.

They can leave you stewing...frusterated and boiling with so much anger that you want to thump them in the eye.

Then just as quickly there are murmured, "I love yous and I miss yous" and suddenly you find the anger slipping away.

Blurring the line between Nemesis and Hero...

Run

2007-09-02T09:29:00.000-04:00

Sometimes you just want to run away...

And sometimes you just wish there was someone to run away with...

What's Your Secret

2007-08-25T14:14:00.000-04:00

I've got a secret...

We've all got secrets.

Things we hide in the deepest, darkest parts of our being. Things that maybe we're too embarrassed to say outloud. Or things we're scared to share for fear of being judged.

Now is your chance to free yourself of that burden.

Taking a cue from Post Secret, I'm inviting all of you to sign in Anonymously, here and now and tell us your secret.

I'll tell you mine...if you tell me yours.

*Shhhhhhhhhhhhh*

The Ride

2007-08-15T21:38:00.000-04:00

I've found that relationships are a lot like rollercoasters.

You wait in line for what seems like forever just for the chance to catch a ride. Then before you know it, you're being propelled full throttle along this long, winding track...hanging on for dear life as you take the highs and lows...the twists and turns...the fear and excitement.

Sometimes you even feel a little sick.

But when that car finally comes to a grinding halt and the chaos around you dies down...the real question is...in the end, was it really worth the ride?

The hopeful part of me wants to think so.

If you're lucky enough to have found that 'one' person...you'll endure most anything.

It's just that I'm not sure if I'm gripping the rail...or someone's hand.

Bring Back the Make Out

2007-08-12T13:26:00.000-04:00

In a time when most of us are more than eager for the opportunity to strip off our clothes and jump into bed with another equally naked individual, I can't help but to feel like we are potentially missing out on something.

What happened to the art of the hot make out session?

Let's take a waltz back in time to the good ole high school days. Back when hormones were running rampant and you'd not yet gone 'all the way' with your boyfriend or girlfriend. Remember the heated kissing? The frantic tugging at clothes...your hearts pounding against each other's chest...desperately wanting to take that next step but holding out only by a thread.

It was the build up, the intensity, the raw passion and excitement.

Sex is good...but the 'make out' has a charm all it's own. One that I wouldn't mind reliving again and again. *wink-wink*

Long Wait

2007-08-04T14:11:00.000-04:00

For better...

And for worse...

I'd forgotten how nice it was to have someone else around.

Having someone to hold my hand. Seeing someone else's clothes in a crumpled pile next to my own. Falling asleep to the rythym of someone else's breathing.

For just a moment...I felt...normal.

Only now, I wake up to find that the only voice calling out to me is my own. And I can't help but to wonder how long it will be until I have someone here to hold my hand again.

Patience

2007-07-30T19:56:00.000-04:00

They say, "Hope is patience with the lamp lit."

Unfortunately, my lamp is sputtering about...grasping for the bits of patience that are flickering away into the night sky, just out of arm's reach.

What can I say? Patience has never been one of my virtues.

Yet these days I find myself continually reaching for it. Clinging to the invisible threads...hoping they will keep their promise.

Hoping that what I see waiting at the road's end is real.

Sleep

2007-07-27T12:26:00.000-04:00

Captain McSteamy has come and gone.

Now....I need sleep. :o)

Timing

2007-07-23T20:53:00.000-04:00

My turning thirty seems to have brought some things to light and certain people out of the darkness.

With my hand outstreched to take theirs, I can't help but to wonder what else will find it's way out of the shadows.

Shhhhh, is She Still Breathing?

2007-07-18T20:04:00.000-04:00

First of all, thank you everyone for the well wishes. I was relieved to find that I was still breathing when I woke up this morning, so turning 30 didn't kill me as I feared it would. :o)

I especially want to thank Pete (Px) for the best birthday gift of all. He plotted and planned and went to all sorts of trouble to call me all the way from the UK to wish me a happy birthday. This is why I love him, he is thoughtful....AND he has a hot accent!!!

I would be lying if I said the anticipation of having to check the 30-35 box in life hadn't been eating at me. I was certain that my twenties were going to be hard to leave behind. Even up until the very last minute...my heels were dug in and I was clinging to anything I could wrap my fingers around...desperate to stop the pulling of what I thought was certainly a blackhole from which I'd never escape.

But the harder I fought, the more I realized that I was clinging to nothing.

What was it that I was so anxious to keep from losing...the heartache? The bitterness? The stress?

I realized that the really great things in my life came at the end of my time in the 25-29 box and they have continued to be here to hold my hand as I pack away the past and peer nervously into the future.

I'm Just Going to Cover My Eyes

2007-07-17T06:26:00.000-04:00

Hope

2007-07-13T19:05:00.000-04:00

Love can be a fickle thing.

There are times when it nurtures you...makes you feel protected and indestructable.

Then there are the times when it beats you down. Throwing punch after punch until your legs give way, leaving your body crumpled on the cold, hard floor.

Sometimes, even when the bruises have long since faded...the mere memory of the hurt is enough to shy you away from letting yourself fall again. You build protective walls and wear armor over your heart. You become keenly aware of the labored beating beneath your chest as it strains against the bits of glue and tape holding it together.

Your soul focus becomes survival.

A friend recently said to me, "Lindsey, I just don't believe in the fantasy of true love anymore. It's an unattainable goal that builds you up...only to let you down. I just don't know that soulmates exist in reality."

I pondered that statement for awhile...I turned it over and over in my head until the complete and hopeless romantic in me took over. Yes, I've had my share of bitterness and anger. And yes, I've had to pick my broken body up off the floor and nurse wounds that I thought would never heal. But I have to believe that true love exists...I know it does...I've felt it. I know what it's like to meet your other half and finally feel whole. I know what it's like to have someone tell you that you are the one they were meant to spend the rest of their life with...that you were put here for them.

I know that we can't give up hope.

I know that every ounce of hope breathes life into this wounded little heart of mine and every day it beats just a little stronger.

Countdown

2007-07-10T11:09:00.000-04:00

Apparently time has been flying by while I have been twittling my thumbs, completely oblivious to the fact that I have two 'Biggies' barreling towards me at a rapid pace.

The first is that exactly one week from today...I am turning...ok, I'm not even sure I can say it.

THIRTY.

Let us all observe a moment of silence.

The second is that Captain McSteamy will be here in two weeks for his R&R. I don't mind telling you that I'm looking forward to that...though getting your house ready for a guest is more work than I was expecting. But it will be worth it. He's funny and sweet. He shares my love of all things quirky and thinks my Darth Tater and Spud Troopers are cute...not to mention that he's incredibly hot. (Ummmm, El Capitan...I know you peruse this page from time to time..so don't let that last comment go to your head mister.)

So without even realizing it...events are about to occur that are going to change things...we'll just see if it's for the better...

Loves

2007-07-08T20:51:00.000-04:00

I was recently asked, "When was the last time you had a man tell you he loved you?"

The answer was an easy one, very recent. Eric.

I asked her the same question..."10 years ago." Hmmmm

That got me to thinking of how lucky I actually have been. I have had the fortune to be loved by not one...but four men in my lifetime. And I know there are many people that are lucky if they can think of at least one.

My first was in high school. It was more like puppy love now that I look back on it...but it was sweet...until it resulted in my first heartache.

The Second was a learning experience and the reason I started this blog. I think I loved him more than he loved me but I'd venture to guess that most of us can plead guilty to that experience at least once in our lives. I'm not bitter or resentful anymore. I don't hate him...if anything, I'm grateful.

If I hadn't taken that journey, I could never have fully appreciated the love closest to my heart. The person who kissed away all the hurt and bitterness...the person who took me by the hand and led me through the light at the end of the tunnel. The person who not only made me believe in love again but showed me what real love was. And even though our paths were forced apart...he banished my fear of love and left me with the gift of renewed hope.

Love has even been found in the most unlikliest of places...on Blogger. I have been graced with the affection of a very special friend (Px) whom I love dearly. There is nothing that makes you feel more special than knowing that there is someone out there who is thinking about you and caring about you. I am very lucky indeed.

Why

2007-07-04T11:10:00.001-04:00

Why is it that men always seem to know how to push my buttons?

Whether it's someone I used to love, someone I still love or someone I like.

All of them seem to have unearthed a rogue copy of "Lindsey, the Operator's Manual" and committed it to memory.

At a Loss For Words

2007-06-28T20:05:00.000-04:00

Ok, so we all know how boys and their...um...well, their 'parts' come in different sizes right?

Well, completely unbeknownest to me...so do women!!

Apparently one hooha is not the same as the next!!

I am aghast people.

So now I've got all these questions...is one size better than the other? Do men have a preference? Does it play a factor in their sexual satisfaction? Worst of all, how do you know if you have a big hooha or not?

Now I'm all paranoid...worried that I could be walking around with an abnormal hooha. :o(

Meaningfuls

2007-06-24T13:56:00.000-04:00

I think that by now, most of you know that I've actually grown to enjoy the freedom of being single, (at least when I'm not recovering from having my heart smashed to bits). You can flirt with whomever you like, you can kiss as many boys as you like...you can do whatever your little heart desires.

BUT, I'd be lying if I didn't say that there are some things that I miss about being in a relationship. You know...for me, it's those little meaningful things that my heart yearns for.

Warm hands brushing the hair out of my face.

Secret smiles shared across a crowded room.

Having his hand wrapped around mine.

Feeling his warm breath on the back of my neck as he sleeps.

Resting my head against his chest as he nonchalantly strokes the small of my back with his fingers. (You know who you are.)

While I whittle away the hours enjoying my freedom...a little piece of my heart holds out for those moments, silently hoping that the wait won't be too long.

All I Need Is...

2007-06-16T15:47:00.000-04:00

A really great kiss.

I can't recall the last time I actually kissed someone....

Well OK, yeah...there was that one guy in Dublin. Oh...and that OTHER guy in Dublin.

And I did kiss Px during my visit to the UK, which was actually quite nice and very sweet. But that was nearly a year ago!

I want that anticipation of leaning in...lips inches apart...the sound of a man's racing heart echoing in my own chest.

I want the feeling of his fingers carressing my skin as his lips brush against mine.

I want my toes to tingle and my insides to catch fire.

I want someone to kiss me...and really mean it.

Mona Lisa

2007-06-10T16:58:00.000-04:00

Perhaps some of you will remember the plea I made around this time last year:

Dear Univeral Powers That Be,

Before you drop anymore eligible men on my doorstep, it would be wise for you to update your screening process and refrain from sending me anymore...: married men, gay men, men old enough to be my father, assholes or losers.

The preferred qualities a man must posses (aside from actually being straight and single) are: intelligence, kindness, thoughtfulness, humor and a fondness for children (though not in a perverse way.)

A year later and not much has changed...someone up there must have wax in their ears.

Last night I was in a bar surrounded by men and which one walks/staggers up to me? The icky, old drunk guy who kept saying, "Listen, listen...I'm not the town drunk I swear."

*Pause for a belch*

"I just think you're SO beautiful. You're stunning, you have no idea how beautiful you are. You know what? You're my Mona Lisa."

He then turned to everyone within ear shot and slurred, "This is my Mona Lisa!!!"

It took me prying his fingers off of my waist and frantic pleas for help to my guy friends, to get me wrenched free and on the road to freedom. *Sigh* Why me?

On a brighter note, the nice boy in question (who shall herein be referred to as Captain McSteamy) will be visiting at the end of July. Maybe The Powers got at least one thing right.

What's That Ringing?

2007-06-03T16:47:00.000-04:00

Maybe it's so high pitched only a Spinster can hear it.

*Sigh*

THAT my friends is my biological clock. And do you know why it's ringing? Because in one very short month...yours truly is turning 30.

*GASP*

Yeah, I know.

I've been hearing the ringing in my ears for quite some time but I've had a habit of reaching over and smacking the shit out of the damn thing until I hear it cough...rattle and then fall silent.

I only hope that I haven't done any permanant damage. I would like it to actually work when I meet Mr. Right.

But hopefully it won't take more than a few frantic shakes and muttered curse words to spring back to life.

Not that it looks like I'll need it anytime soon but who knows...I've met some nice boys. One in particular who is coming to visit soon...*wink-wink*

There Is A Lesson You Must Learn...The Rerun

2007-05-28T12:06:00.000-04:00

I have absolutely NOTHING to write about right now. Instead of boring you...I'm posting an old rerun than still makes me laugh...

I don't like the taste of coffee in any way, shape or form.

Therefore, I have never had any reason to visit those nifty little coffee shops like Starbucks. The only problem with this is that I've begun to feel a little left out. While I don't care for coffee, part of me still desires the feeling of being that 'trendy' woman that glides around with her big sunglasses and her Starbucks coffee cup.

So, I decided that today was the day that I was going to be trendy. Since I don't like coffee, I figured that I would try my hand at green tea since everyone is boasting about that so often. As I anxiously awaited my turn in line, I listened to the people ahead of me ordering like pros. "Tall, short, low fat, decaf, latte, no foam, double shot"....and I realized that I had absolutely no idea how I was supposed to order mine. Do I order it plain? Do people put sugar in it? Is there a special phrase for that? My heart began to beat faster as I neared the front of the line...what do I say? WHAT DO I SAY???

"Can I take your order?"

"Green tea. Tall."

I bit my lower lip and scanned the people around me, wondering if it was glaringly obvious that I had no idea what I was doing. Either no one noticed or no one cared. Either way was fine with me...I just grabbed my tea and ran.

Outside I held my paper cup up like a trophy. It was my way of saying, "Look at me world...I can be trendy too."

With that, I took a sip of my glorious tea...and nearly gagged.

It tasted like crap.

Within minutes I had gone from feeling like a superstar...to feeling like a complete ass.

Balance

2007-05-17T22:22:00.001-04:00

Amidst all the bad...

There can be some good.

Meet my new nephew, Garrett.

After...

2007-05-05T16:02:00.000-04:00

I let the tears seep into the ground beneath me.

I let the tension crawl out of my body and slink off into the darkness.

On the cold, stone floor of what had come to feel like my prison...I succombed to the exhaustion enveloping me.

My aching body...weak and motionless until a feeling of warmth persuaded it to stir.

Eyes still heavy with sleep, I raised my head to find sunlight settling over me like a warm blanket...gently brushing my hair back from my tear stained face and murmuring, "Sleep darling, sleep."

Broken

2007-05-01T21:41:00.001-04:00

I can feel the labored beating of my broken little heart.

I've taped and I've glued but the pieces are only just hanging on.

To be honest, I'm scared to fall asleep.

Scared that if I close my eyes, the pieces will tumble to the ground and scatter. Then my heart will never be whole again.

Dark Day

2007-04-29T21:58:00.000-04:00

You know, I've spent a lot of my life believing in tales of Karma and living by the rule that in being a good person and doing kind things...good fortune would befall me.

These days I'm beginning to wonder if that was nothing more than just a children's tale.

It seems that just when I found my days filled with sunshine and happiness...a hooded figure drew near and stole the sunshine right out of the sky.

Leaving me to stand alone in the dark.

Leaving me unable to find my way.

Standing Still

2007-04-21T16:33:00.000-04:00

A relationship is never easy.

Especially when it is one you are trying to nuture over countless miles while the one you love battles the demons of war and all that comes with it. Unfortunately with war...there are always casualties.

But the question is, do you fall to the ground and let the darkness take you? Or do you force yoursef to your feet, reaching...grasping...fighting to pull yourself to safety?

I've been wounded before.

I'm not afraid of pain.

What I am afraid of is giving up.

With relationships I've done the rollercoaster thing and the carousel thing and like my dear Carrie Bradshaw once said, "I just want someone to stand still with for a minute."

I know who I want to stand still with...it's just a matter of getting him across the mine fields.

Once a Spinster...

2007-04-13T14:03:00.000-04:00

Someone must have left a window open because all my good luck has up and walked right out of it.

Faux Engagement Anyone?

2007-03-31T13:36:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I don't know if this is standard practice everywhere but my friends and I do have one little method we employ when trying to repel the creepy creepersons that lurk about.

This evasive maneuver was generally called upon back when I used to wait tables, work the bar or go out to clubs. Regardless of whether my friends and I were working or just out trying to blow off steam, it never failed that we would find ourselves stalked by undesirables. And of course they were always filled with enough liquid courage to not take no for an answer when the standard, "I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend" line was lobbed at them.

So, in an effort to find a more potent repellent...my friends and I each shelled out the $8 for a few lovely rings that masqueraded as cubic zirconia by day and dazzling engagement rings from our fabulously wealthy boyfriends, by night. Hey, we figured if we're gonna do it, no use doing it halfway!!

Believe it or not...it actually worked. While there were still the harmless, flirtacious customers that came around...we found that the creepy creepersons were less inclined to continue the stalking once they caught a glimpse of the ring on our finger. It was like we had found our kryptonite.

The Final Goodbye

2007-03-24T20:09:00.000-04:00

Have you ever looked back at a past relationship gone awry and honestly had trouble remembering what it was that brought the two of you together in the first place? Wondered what it was about that person that intoxicated you and lured you in?

You wonder...because those feelings have long since been suffocated in their sleep and replaced with loathing, resentment and an overall dislike.

As I sat in my car unconsciously gripping the steering wheel with an unnecessary amount of force...I watched him drive by. For just a moment, time seemed to freeze because for the first time since our relationship's demise, my eyes fell on the face of the one who had battered my heart so terribly that there was question as to whether it would ever beat again.

I watched him go past...watched the distance between us grow larger...I watched until I couldn't see him anymore. And at that moment...instead of voicing the resentment I had stored in my heart...I silently thanked him.

I thanked him because if he hadn't let me go, I would have never met the man who has made me come to understand what it truly means to be loved.

Oops

2007-03-09T18:38:00.000-05:00

Is it bad when you honestly mistake girls selling girlscout cookies on the corner for hookers?

How To Lose a Guy the Morning After

2007-03-03T17:48:00.000-05:00

Now, I know we are all nice and wholesome individuals who would normally never do anything with reckless abandon...

*wink wink*

Buuuuut, I'm sure that somewhere in our past there has been that one itsy bitsy little indiscretion. Like, maybe that one guy you met at the bar that had the great dimples. The one who just happened to follow you home and subsequently tripped and fell on top of you in the bed.

You know...those types of things.

But what happened the next morning when you woke and realized...yeah, he DOES have nice dimples...but why didn't I notice that they rest of him looks like a bad porn actor!!! At that point you start trying to recall exactly how many shots you had downed the night before and as you gaze over at the lump snoring beside you, suddenly you just feel all sorts of dirty because you realize...EWWWWWWWW! He touched you!

So the question becomes...how do YOU get him out of your bed and out of your house? And before you ask...no, I do not currently have this problem but it HAS happened in the past...Ick, I can't even think about it. Let's just say, I woke up in the middle of the night, very sober and very freaked out. I snuck out and spent the rest of the night on the couch!

Price Check

2007-02-18T13:12:00.000-05:00

We all know that when we're standing in line at the store, sometimes our eyes have a tendency to wander and sometimes they might find themselves taking inventory of the purchases belonging to the person in front of you...strictly out of curiosity mind you. Well, it just so happens that the woman in front of me happened to be purchasing KY.

Now, there is just something unnerving about seeing a woman your mother's age purchasing a personal lubricant. I think simply because it brings to mind events which you would rather not imagine your mother participating in. Definite ick factor.

At any rate. As the cashier ran the KY across the scanner...there was a loud, unnatural BONK noise. He scanned it again...BONK...and again...BONK. At this point the woman had begun to appear noticibly uncomfortable and began shifting her weight from foot to foot and glancing back at those of us behind her. I, of course dutifully averted my eyes and pretended that I was paying no attention whatsoever to her little crisis.

Then it happened...the idiot cashier held the box up, clearily displaying the oversized KY logo and said, "Do you know how much the KY was?"

M-O-R-T-I-F-I-C-A-T-I-O-N

Last Mushy Post For At Least a Week...I Swear

2007-02-16T08:00:00.000-05:00

Nothing like having a dozen long-stemmed red roses delivered to you at the office.

Just to show you that you are loved...even all the way from Iraq.

The best present is still yet to come....

But there will be no pictures posted of THAT. :o)

What a Difference a Year Makes

2007-02-14T19:34:00.000-05:00

Valentine's Day 2006

I had planned to boycott today.

I had planned to hide.

Instead, I closed my eyes and made a heart felt wish upon a star.

Here is to wishing that I find passion. Passion in a kind, romantic man.

Here is to wishing for strong arms wrapped around me, secret smiles shared across a crowded room and quiet nights snuggled beneath a blanket.

Here is to wishing for "I Love You's" whispered in my ear, an arm around my waist and finger tips brushing against my cheek.

Here is to wishing that I had a Valentine...
__________________

A year later and I've been blessed with all of this and more. Thank you to all of you...for being such wonderful friends and for wishing just as hard for these things for me as I did.

And yes...I know I posted this a day early...I'm impatient! :o)

I'm Just Sayin'...

2007-02-02T18:01:00.000-05:00

Even with the little wrinkle from the other day...I am blissfully happy and content.

You know, there are very few people that can handle those of us waltzing around in our idiotic, euphoric state. Most everyone else is tempted to send us off to play in traffic.

It's been a long time since I've been able to say that I was really, really happy. And truth be told, I can honestly say that until now, I've never had anyone that really got me.

At 29, I find that I am suddenly experiencing a lot of firsts.

For the first time I have someone who has the uncanny ability to finish my sentences. Someone who reads my mind and tells me what I'm thinking before I can open my mouth. Someone who shares my quirky sense of humor and doesn't mind wearing a pair of alien antennae to prove it. Someone who is just as content to spend a lazy day at home or hop on a bike and go on an adventure.

For the first time, I'm not scared when the subject of the future comes up.

For the first time...I know.

A Wrinkle in Time

2007-01-31T19:07:00.000-05:00

This was a good day.

Today was a bad day.

I wonder if they've come up with a way to make time travel possible...

I mean, if they can freeze people and try to bring them back to life...why can't we find that little wrinkle in time for me?

Past or Present?

2007-01-26T19:21:00.000-05:00

There were a few feisty comments under my last post (take it easy guys) that sparked an interesting debate.

I think we are all in agreement that each of us has a past. That's a given. And in all honesty, there are parts of my past that I wish I could erase from this story of my life and replace with some fabulously romantic, fulfilling tales of love and pure happiness.

Unfortunately for me...I used permanent marker the first go 'round.

So now, here I am...stuck with these ugly, rumpled pages because I know that my only other option is to burn them and let's face it...without those first few chapters, the rest of the story just wouldn't make sense. My past is what shaped me into who I am now.

There are things in my past relationships that I'm not proud of...decisions that I made that were less than courageous. But what's done is done and all I can do now is acknowledge my mistakes, carry them close to my heart and let them continue to shape me into a better person.

The romantic in me believes that in the dating realm, everyone's past deserves a future and I can't bring myself to turn my back on someone who carries their past mistakes with them as a reminder like I do. All I can do is make room on the shelf for their rumpled chapters...take their hand...and start a new page.